My partner was into threesomes — how do I stop sex turning dull?

My partner and his ex-girlfriend engaged another woman to have threesomes for a year. That stopped because the third woman (who already had feelings for my partner and he knew that, hence asked his ex to have threesomes with her) got too attached. My partner has said our relationship is different and that he wouldn’t ask me to do anything like that. I believe him but am worried our sex life isn’t too exciting for him. Threesomes are not for me as I get too jealous, but I know his ex was kinkier than me. He is 22 years older than me so of course has more experience with sex. He was married for 20 years and had a monogamous relationship with his now deceased wife. How do I make sure sex doesn’t get boring?

Suzanne.

Dear Suzanne, That is an understandably daunting situation. However, we think that some of what is making it challenging for you is a common misunderstanding about what constitutes great sex. Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz and her team have explored what makes for Magnificent Sex (the title of their recent book). It’s not how kinky or experimental you are. It’s how present and authentic you are.

In a recent interview, Kleinplatz put it this way: “The people having the greatest sexual fulfilment were people who had, for one reason or another, discarded the entire package of paint-by-numbers ideas about sexuality. Because these people had then gone on to create something that fit better for them.”

In our hypersexual climate, being sexually open or kinky has somewhat taken on a superior status compared with those who prefer monogamy or “vanilla” sex (and note the implication of blandness in that term). We think it is vital that we all resist placing people’s sexual preferences in any kind of hierarchy. We hope, therefore, that you are giving equal weight to the possibility that his sexual preferences and style might prevent him being a good sexual partner for you in the future.

We work with many heterosexual women of all ages who have always been focused solely on pleasing their men sexually. Sadly many of these women have little idea of what style and kind of sex would please them. Many have an eroticism that is rarely reflected in popular culture, especially as romance novels increasingly became vehicles for soft porn. Many women have also experienced criticism and shaming from partners threatened by a different approach to sex. As a result, these women conclude, wrongly and sadly, that there is something “wrong” with their sexuality.

An example would be a style of sexuality that focuses more on personhood and connection with the other than carnality, play or pushing boundaries; a slow, gentle, sensual, and hyper-relational style. It may not fit someone else’s superficial idea of “exciting” but may provoke intense excitement for you, and that’s wonderful. Whatever works for you sexually, the place where it is different from your partner’s erotic map is where you and your partner can find challenge and interest.

It’s good you seem clear that there are things that you don’t want (like threesomes), but that says little about what you DO want. So your first step in making sure that your sex life doesn’t become boring is to be clear about and confident in knowing who you are and what works for you sexually. If you don’t know, exploring that, alone and together, needs to be a priority. Make sure you value and assert what you bring to the table of your combined sex life.

We are stressing this because, while it is good that you recognise the gap in your ages and experience, this may create a power differential. It is of concern that you seem to see the difference in your experiences as your responsibility alone to negotiate. Significant gaps in age (or, more importantly, power and status) are not necessarily a bad thing so long as both people acknowledge their existence and impact and both take responsibility for dealing with those impacts.

Your eagerness to jump into action to keep your partner happy and content seems to be based on a concern you are not even sure is wellfounded. Working too hard to attend to your partner’s wants and feelings, being worried about keeping him happy speaks of a possible power imbalance. It is hard to feel someone’s equal when they are older, more sexually experienced or confident.

We would encourage you to try to adopt the more balanced attitude that it is your partner’s job to know how the sex is going for him and tell you about that. Your prime responsibility is to do the same for yourself. Then you can both discuss this and collaborate to care for your sex life, ensuring it continues to work well for you both. Forestall any of his possible patronising “protective” impulses by reassuring your partner that you want him to raise any concerns he may have, no matter how uncomfortable, and that you will do the same.

A tricky couple dynamic we see is an older man pairing with a younger woman to consciously or unconsciously avoid being challenged or probed too much. They can escape the challenge of being open and vulnerable by choosing a less seasoned, experienced, worldly partner who does not “rock the boat” too much. We have no idea if this dynamic is present in your relationship. However, we draw your attention to this possibility and encourage you to observe how much respect and value he places on your opinions and ideas.

This is not just to protect you. This dynamic often plays out with the younger woman eventually maturing and becoming disaffected by how dependent the older man has been on her compliance. In many cases, she then leaves, celebrating her freedom, and it is the older male partner who is left hurt and alone.

There is wisdom in being wary of drifting into a boring sex life. Novelty can indeed create excitement that staves off boredom. However, introducing new ideas and experiences needs to come from each partner pushing their growth and understanding of who they are both erotically and in general.

People have seasons and stages of their sexuality in their lifetime; it is not static. Many people aren’t surprised that someone who starts out being into monogamy and more mainstream sexual activity may become more exploratory later. So too, we should accept that someone who was into threesomes or kink may not still desire it. Sex in all its manifestations can become boring from a lack of intimacy or honesty and connection. “Unboring” sex takes courage, whatever the kind or style you find erotic.

Intimacy, Actually is a column answering your relationship questions. Verity Thom and Nic Beets are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.

If you have a question for Verity & Nic, email us at questions@nzherald.co.nz