Brent’s lips are sealed
Nothing says romance like pashing a plant-based pout from a production line
My regular reader has sent me a picture of an item I must tell you about. The timing was perfect because I had just been researching silly novelty items. It’s the sort of lofty journalistic probing you’ve come to expect from me.
I’d come up with, for example, the yodelling pickle. This dill pickle lookalike has a button which, if pressed, transports anyone within earshot to the mountains of Switzerland. I can remember back to simpler days when we didn’t have model pickles which yodelled.
And I’d unearthed the Emergency Clown Nose. The easy-to-wear red nose can effortlessly be affixed to most standard noses in any situation where one feels the need to introduce levity.
But the item my reader shared with me is going to be a real test of my word skills because it desperately does need a picture.
The item is called My First Kiss Practice Lips and, because I already know you will be wanting reassurance, I hereby strongly affirm that I am not making this item up. I have the photographic evidence.
Before I try to describe it, let me explain how the punctuation on the packaging works and this will assure you that this is one special item.
Please allow me to list the packaging claims and see if you can pick what I am saying:
The exciting of love!
Don’t be a shy!
It is named Brent!
So soft!
Now you can will be pro!
It is the whole face!
Yes, it’s the regularity of the exclamation marks that astounds me. No claim escapes one!
But I am extremely impressed by the fact that, each time they have used the exclamation mark, they have managed to limit it to one only!! After all, I have personally witnessed people using up to 13 exclamation marks!!! Thirteen !!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, let me try to describe this product. It is clearly aimed at girls because there is an illustration of a kiss-blowing girl on the packaging. She is dressed in passionate red.
Her picture and the punctuated claims are all on the backing cardboard.
The item itself is trapped under a clear plastic bubble arrangement.
It is a “so soft” mask of a man’s face from the top of the nose to the chin. You can practise your kissing on the “so soft” lips so that you will quickly become a “pro”. And what comfort must come from the packaging claim that, “It is named Brent!”
It could so easily have been called Donald!
So, are you ready, girls? Let’s practise. Assuming you’ve managed to penetrate the plastic bubble, lower your lips until they make contact with Brent’s. Now, simply practise.
Sorry, don’t ask me. Just use your imagination. Move your lips around a little to see if you can stir up some passion in Brent. It shouldn’t be difficult. He has been trapped under a plastic bubble for all of his shelf life. Don’t be a shy.
By now you should be experiencing the exciting of love. You will now be familiar with what it is like to kiss the lips of a rubbery mask called Brent.
Of course, such pleasure does not come without warnings. “Choking hazard. May contain small parts,” for example. Best not to mention the small parts claim to Brent.
Also on the pack: “Warning. Love is pain. Prepare for heartbreak.”
But the only other packaging claim has me a little bamboozled. It says, “Obvious plant.” I’m assuming that means it is made of 100 per cent vegetable matter which I suppose is quite good news.
If things don’t work out in the passion department, you could always eat Brent. 1 Fidel Castro became the President
of Cuba in which decade?
2 How many States were there in the United States before Alaska joined in 1959?
3 Where is the largest collection of
Victoria Crosses held?
4 Which 2 player board game was invented in China over 2500 years ago and is believed to be the oldest to be continually played to modern day?
5 What is the term for a baby Koala? 1608 The city of Quebec was founded by Samuel de Champlain. 1775 Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts.
1863 The three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as Confederate troops failed to breach Union positions during an assault known as Pickett’s Charge. 1944 During World War II, Soviet forces recaptured Minsk from the Germans.
1950 The first carrier strikes of the Korean War took place as the USS Valley Forge and the HMS Triumph sent fighter planes against North Korean targets.
1971 Singer Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.
1976 Israel launched its daring mission to rescue 106 passengers and Air France crew members being held at Entebbe Airport in Uganda by pro-Palestinian hijackers; the commandos succeeded in rescuing all but four of the hostages.
2003 The US put a $25 million bounty on Saddam Hussein, and $15 million apiece for his two sons. (The $30 million reward for Odai and Qusai Hussein went to a tipster whose information led U.S. troops to their hideout, where the brothers were killed in a gunbattle.)
2005 A NASA space probe, Deep Impact, hit its comet target as planned in a mission to learn how the solar system formed.
Birthdays
● Folk singer Judith Durham (The Seekers) is 77
● Actor Tom Cruise is 58
● TV chef Sandra Lee is 54
● WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is 49
Quiz Answers
1 1970’s 2 48 3 Imperial War Museum, London 4 Go 5 Joey
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