Teens need to learn about consent
Ifelt incredibly proud of my 14-year-old daughter and her group of friends when they attended a rally outside Parliament a couple of weeks ago, calling for an end to sexual violence.
These strong, confident young women were right at the front of the group, chanting at the tops of their voices, and waving placards with messages like ‘‘No means no!’’ and ‘‘My body, my choice!’’. Groups like this fill me with hope – surely that is how change comes about, when the leaders of the future stand up and demand it?
I have read a lot about the events that led to this rally, and I suspect I was as appalled as many other parents were about the comments posted on social media.
What it drove home to me though is the lack of understanding about consent – and how crucial this message is if we are to provide a safe world for our children to grow up in.
When I am not working as a GP, I work in the sexual violence sector. My role is to provide medical and forensic care to anyone over 14 who has been sexually assaulted. I have done this work for more than 15 years, and although I have lost count of how many people I have seen over that time, the memories of their stories don’t leave me.
There are some people who are raped by strangers, or tragically targeted by ‘‘predators’’ who have, for whatever reason, been intent on pre-meditated harm.
But the vast majority of the people we see in the Sexual Assault service don’t have that story to tell – much more often what I hear is a version of this: a young woman (for although men get sexually assaulted too, it is much more often women who are the victims of this particular type of crime) who is out in a public place. This might be a party, a bar, a mate’s place. There is very often alcohol involved. Memories are often sketchy.
Later that night, or the following day, there is a realisation that someone has had sex with them – when they were unable to consent, or were too frightened to. Often the young women themselves may not have realised this was a sexual assault until they talk to others. I am fairly certain that at times the young men don’t realise either, until the police knock on their door and arrest them.
In no way is this type of sexual violence less harmful – all violence can cause trauma and damage to the victim – and I am not minimising the impact at all. But for me, these particular stories are tragic, as I do believe this type of assault is entirely avoidable – if only we had the resources, time and opportunity to educate our young people.
I know there are some amazing courses being run in schools at the moment, including ACC’s ‘‘Mates and Dates’’ programme. Sadly, these programmes need more funding and resourcing by the Government so they can reach all secondary schools, as quickly as possible.
But I also believe that as parents we have a responsibility to teach this at home as well – I suspect most children growing up in New Zealand know that stealing or punching someone is wrong, so surely we should be able to have ‘‘consent and healthy sex’’ conversations with our children too?
So if you have young people in your life, here are some key messages I’d like you to discuss with them:
Sexual assault is any sexual contact at all that happens without the other persons express consent – so this can involve kissing, touching and groping, as well as ‘‘rape’’. It is never OK.
Consent is an active process, and involves the participation of both people.
Sexual violence is never the fault of the person who has been harmed – no matter what the circumstances.
Consent is ongoing and must be given every time. It is specific to context and time.
Consent can be withdrawn at any stage – this means stop.
Consent cannot be given by someone who can’t understand what they are agreeing to – that includes people who are asleep, drunk or affected by drugs or mental illness.
Consent cannot be assumed – silence or the absence of a ‘‘no’’ does not ever equal ‘‘yes’’.
Consent cannot be obtained by threat or pressure.
If you are not sure someone is consenting, then stop what you are doing, immediately. I recommend the YouTube clip below ‘‘A cup of tea’’ to help illustrate the concept of consent, and perhaps initiate this difficult but very essential topic. It won’t be the easiest part of parenting, but it could be one of the most important conversations you ever have with your children.
For information on consent visit:
acc.co.nz/preventing-injuries/atschool/mates-dates
youtube.com/watch? v=oQbei5JGiT8
familyplanning.org.nz/advice/ relationships/consent If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call the police or visit this website to find your local support agency:
rpe.co.nz/find-a-sexual-assaultsupport-centre-near-you