What to tell kids when grown-ups are naughty
When high-profile people misbehave, it can be confusing for young children, who tend to see the world in black and white – ‘‘That orange man is naughty’’ or ‘‘Liars are baddies’’.
Rather than ignore children’s questions about US President Donald Trump’s latest Twitter tirade or CluthaSouthland MP Todd Barclay’s attempt to wriggle out of a scandal, behavioural experts say you should help them process their feelings about what they hear in the news.
‘‘It can be interesting for children to start to unpack the reasons people might have for telling stories,’’ says clinical psychologist Dr Melanie Woodfield, who talks to her own children in terms of why a grown-up might be ‘‘getting mixed up’’ (accidental lies) or ‘‘telling stories’’ (strategic lies).
‘‘The skills required to make sense of complex world happenings are quite sophisticated,’’ she says. Her advice is to answer children’s questions about adult bullying and other negative behaviour simply and factually.
Don’t give them more information than they ask for, and consider your family culture.
If you value respect, then refer to the misbehaving adult respectfully lest you hear your kids referring to teachers and friends as ‘‘numpties’’ when their behaviour disappoints.
If the thought of children discussing news events at school and on playdates bothers you, then don’t focus on them yourself, says Quentin Abraham, president of the New Zealand Psychological Society.
Children take cues for their behaviour from the most influential adults in their lives – their caregivers.
‘‘If you want to influence this young person to do something different, you need to model the behaviour.
‘‘It’s really important for young people to become critical in the right sort of way about the messages they are getting,’’ says Abraham, an educational psychologist.
‘‘You could argue that having these discussions about what type of adult they’d like to be in the world could stimulate their moral development. They have a strong sense of what is fair, so it’s easy to engage them in conversations about what is right and wrong.‘‘
And you just might need to accept that, unlike most world leaders, Trump is a special case who has grandstanded his way right on to the school playground with his trademark gestures and that remarkable hair, and doesn’t appear to be going anywhere.
‘‘He has become almost a cartoon character, his catchphrases have entered the lexicon,’’ says Abraham.
In a world where news alerts flash across phone screens and major stories unfurl in many forms on social media, it is difficult to protect children from upsetting or confusing news, nor is it a good idea to ignore current events.
‘‘I certainly wouldn’t want a young child of 5 to be watching the news in an unfiltered way,’’ says Abraham.
‘‘Temperamentally, young people are very different. The way they experience things or understand things can be very different from others.
‘‘But I wouldn’t want to completely shield a child from those things either. You don’t want them to have a sudden shock later in life.’’