Imagine a future without skirts – or shirts
JANE BOWRON
British schoolboys at Isca Academy in Exeter created headlines over hemlines when they took to wearing skirts during an intense heatwave. The lads looked both cool and, to use a modern parlance, ‘‘hot’’ in the pleated tartan skirts, which they had borrowed from sisters and female friends attending the same school.
When the boys’ head teacher refused to relax a dress code banning them from the more suitable option of wearing shorts, the boys protested by taking to the skirt.
According to one of the boys’ mothers, the lads were only taking the head teacher at her own word after she sarcastically told them if they didn’t like the no-shorts ruling, they could wear skirts.
Welcome to the wonderful world of wearing skirts, lads. There is nothing better during a stinking hot day than feeling the breeze flow up and over one’s hot and bothered nether regions. For too long Western man has had his pelvis and legs bound and encased in cloth tube coverings as tight as sausage skins.
In winter, the wearing of the kilt by males was once the norm and now, on certain occasions, is appropriate. But the kilt is still a freezing option in cold temperatures if the male, no matter how hairy of leg, fails to venture one step further into female territory and wear panty hose.
If the skirt option catches on, perhaps witches’ britches, as worn in the 60s to cover the gap between suspender belt and stocking, could be brought back and renamed wizard britches. Only the knee would then be exposed to the rough elements.
One hopes that the experience of British schoolboys will be taken on board by voluntary guidelines proposed by the New Zealand Post Primary Teachers’ Association calling for gender-neutral uniforms (and toilets) to be introduced into schools.
Admittedly the proposed guidelines came about in relation to the needs of transgender and transitioning students. However, it would seem rash for schools to adopt a one-gender-neutral uniform, which was the shorts or trouser option only.
With global warming and climate change, dresses and skirts for both sexes would be the sensible option in the hot summer months. And for girls during heavy-flow days of menstruation, skirts are a far safer option than trousers or shorts.
Standing up in a pair of strides after sitting down for the duration of a school period (no pun intended) to reveal a blood stain would be far more visible in pants than a kilt.
Perhaps in the not too distant future, uniforms will be a thing of the past as technology continues to make its staggering leaps and bounds and clothing will morph into the full realisation of the expression, ‘‘the Emperor has no clothes’’.
As we speak, some clever geek slaving away in a start-up company will probably be applying for a patent for his or her virtual clothing app. The rag trade’s number will soon be up as people will be able to select their outfit or uniform from a menu on their phone app.
Imagine the environmental savings. No need to use precious water washing clothes, or chemicals to dry-clean them. In the tiny morgue drawer homes and apartments of the future, there will be no wardrobes or drawers taking up space to store extensive clothing collections.
Underneath the virtual clothing you have selected for the outer glamorous carapace for all the world to see, you could be dressed like a slob, or, on sweltering days, totally in the buff.
As the world population increases, owning anything more than the very basics could be outlawed. Waterproof thermal coverings for the winter, and knickers (one doesn’t want to leave a stain on the furniture) for the summer would be the only reality rags permitted.
In a couple of decades, those humans who had experienced the tactile thrill of furs, satins, velvets, and all the wonderful touch of textiles, would have died out. How those who once wore clothes would pine for the sounds of the rustle of a petticoat, the erotic rip of a zip, the hurried tear of Velcro, the clatter of a high-heel.
The basic government-issued undergarments would come with figure-hugging, built-in solar panels to collect energy for the national grid as one went about everyday business. The clothes of present day would come to be viewed as energy decadent and environmentally excessive.
Pardon my dystopia but mark my wordies. As we rough apes slouch toward a snap ‘app’y future, we are practically entering the realm of the incredible. Look on the bright side, as long as you keep your batteries charged, everyone gets to look like a movie star.
If the skirt option catches on, witches’ britches could come back and be named wizard britches.