THERAPY Ainsley Burns’ tale

I didn’t think the problem I was facing warranted attention. When I think on it now, I normalised what I was going through by making it seem insignificant – ‘‘everyone goes through stuff after all, that’s life, it’s what we do...’’

However, I’m an HR person, 39 years old, and aware of employee wellbeing and the results that can come from therapy. Besides, I had no choice, not after a night with a flatmate describing how disingenuous I was – at a celebration in front of many friends and family members.

So my issue, according to my flatmate, is that I don’t come across as genuine. ‘‘I come across as a false person, am I false?’’

"Why do you think that is?"

‘‘Well, maybe I don’t feel comfortable being myself; only with my immediate family – but isn’t that normal?’’

Now, like I said to the psychologist, I know intellectually this stuff shouldn’t matter, but it bloody well does, it affects me. In my job, in my relationships, I worry that I can’t break through with people. I don’t want to hurt people, I don’t want to disappoint them, I want to impress them, so yes, I smile, and I say the right things. I try and say what they want to hear, ‘they’ being the audience.

Anyway, to cut a few sessions short, I know why I’m the great pretender; I act my way through life because that was my first contact with people. I didn’t speak to classmates as a teeny child; I was a mute, not in the literal sense, but close.

However, when I got on stage, with the teacher knowing I could read, as that’s all I did in class, I became something else when playing a role, I became better than what I was. And that’s when I started to have friends. Watch out, this is a breakthrough moment ... I acted through life... I acted through friendships, I acted through intimate relationships.

It was all there, and the psychologist unscrambled it.

So, what happens when you get the ‘what’s happened’, but you then need to figure out the ‘why it happened’. Why was I a mute? Why can I not be comfortable with people?

The next iteration of therapy was the psychologist making suggestions, coaching me on why and what. There was regression therapy, with me going back in time to moments of my life, and having me talk to my younger self about changing my thinking about that situation – powerful stuff.

We spoke of mindfulness, and judgment of others, and not least, judgment of my self.

It has been incredible.

A good therapist removes the heaviness.