Barking mad but still happy
Iam often asked whether I have a favourite Wellington beach. Though I love many, Lyall Bay wins, not for its excellent cafes or fantastic surf but because it’s somewhere dogs can wander off lead.
Though our council has strict rules for dog owners, you may not be aware that the LBDA (Lyall Bay Dogs Association) has recently issued its own equally strict rules.
Any dog may, when we encounter another dog at Lyall Bay beach, sniff its bottom. This can take several minutes as some bottoms can contain megabytes of useful information. Owners must wait patiently. The digging of deep holes by labradors and retrievers is strictly allowed. Barking loudly while we are digging makes the hole deeper. If a human accidentally falls into a hole and breaks a limb then the dog in question bears no liability. If a human is mown down by an enthusiastic dog running for a tennis ball then it is not our fault. The human should put their cellphone away. Getting that ball is the most important thing in the world. If it is not retrieved the sky will fall in. Most dogs love people. A newfoundland or full-grown alsatian enthusiastically jumping up on the chest of a child is not against the rules, it is just us being neighbourly.
Human couples who want a quiet, romantic time at Lyall Bay must understand that this is a dog beach. Should you hold hands, you will be licked by large dogs. Small dogs will get in between you, just to make sure things don’t go too far. If you start to kiss each other, we will join in, too. When we have retrieved a tennis ball from the surf it is normal behaviour to shake the second we get out. However, LBDA members reserve the right to shake where and when we like. People in business suits enjoying a lunchtime stroll, those on a date wearing fashionable clothing, and those who don’t have a change of clothing handy are particular favourites.
All dog owners face a fine if they do not dispose of their dog’s waste. However, LBDA members reserve the right to do our business wherever we like. Particular favourites are on top of large seaweed mounds, in the middle of a large circle of people having a friendly chat and among children building sandcastles. The more people who see us do our business then the more LBDA bonus points we earn.
Though gang patches are banned from some public places, gangs of dogs may roam anywhere we like on the beach. Loud barking is encouraged, as is fighting over a) sticks; b) balls; c) logs; d) seaweed; e) nothing. For a dog, peeing on the beach is equivalent to signing the visitors’ book. It’s just that we like to sign the visitors’ book between eight and 13 times. It is not volume that it is important but frequency. Please respect our culture. Though eating is not forbidden at Lyall Bay, if you try to eat then be prepared for at least one of us to stare at you intently for many minutes. You will blink before we do. If one of our LBDA members does not like water (like a certain fox terrier from Newtown) the owner must plan their walk near low tide. If important meetings have to be changed to accommodate our phobias then so be it.
Follow these rules and you won’t be prosecuted – just licked, barked at, nuzzled, saturated and bowled over – with affection.