Don’t give Vic the flick

During the early 1980s I studied at Victoria University. ‘‘Are you up at Vic?’’ neighbours would say as I rode my motorbike off to lectures at 11am, having only got up 15 minutes earlier. No-one I knew called it Victoria University. When my father attended in the late 1940s – in the days when most of the student body was part-time and it came alive at night – it was Vic.

Vic was named after Queen Victoria, which is ironic given how many communists, anarchists and socialists have graduated from the university. From the days of the bawdy ‘‘Extravs’’ in the 1940s and 50s, the students demos and ‘‘proceshes’’ of the 60s, 70s and 80, all faithfully reported in Salient, Victoria University has had a radical tradition – among the students, that is.

The funny thing is, as much of an imperialistic, jingoistic old bag as Queen Victoria was, I can’t think of one ex-student radical who would support changing Vic’s name to University of Wellington, as the university council wants to.

Apparently other universities get credit for Vic’s work and potential overseas students are confused about where Victoria University actually is. They think Vic might be in Victoria, Australia or in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. This is a worry. Do we really want students studying nuclear physics who can’t work out that Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand, is in Wellington, New Zealand? Is ‘‘of’’ really that tricky a word?

I wonder if these potential students get put off from studying in British Columbia because they don’t like cocaine dealers and worry about the humidity in Bogota.

Besides, if the name gets changed to University of Wellington, will the educational institutions in Wellington, New South Wales; Wellington, South Australia; and Wellington, Ontario, Canada get an influx of dumb overseas students who think they are studying at Vic?

I’m afraid this attempt by the university council has all the charm and strategic brilliance of John Key’s flag referendum. No-one in the real world called for a change to Vic’s name; it was a brilliant idea from management, and we know how they usually end up. Even the engagement process failed to attract large numbers of interested people. However, since Friday’s brilliantly timed 7.30pm announcement, people against the name change have mobilised and a petition had nearly 1000 signatures after a few days.

But though people like me think that this is a classic case of meddling by branding-obsessed bureaucrats, the university council must be congratulated on single-handedly uniting Left and Right, a very difficult thing to do in Wellington.

Over this issue, I have found myself agreeing with all sorts of conservatives who would consider me a raving loony leftie. We have never ever heartily agreed on anything before – apart from the terrible new bus timetable and the ineptitude of the regional council, of course.

There is also a danger that if the university council gets its way and Vic becomes the anodyne University of Wellington, other might want to rename. Will Otago University become the School of Hard Knox, Massey the University of Palmerston North, Albany, Wellington and Various Extramural Locations? Will Lincoln rebrand as University of Canterbury But Not The One That Lost All Those Staff and Students After the Earthquakes? Could Auckland become University of Library-less Ta¯ maki Makaurau, and Waikato the University of Hamiltron?

What we are looking at here is cultural cringe of the highest, post-graduate degree. Though the evidence is otherwise, we think our universities should be ranked higher internationally and attract more rich overseas students, so we want classy names to match.

I am reminded of wonderful Fielding Agricultural College dropping the ‘‘Agricultural’’ from its title so it could impress international students. Classy. Yet did they realise that if you live in a congested, polluted city in Asia, the idea of studying at a school surrounded by green pasture, sheep and cows might be paradise?

If Vic or University of Wellington or Te Herenga Waka or whatever it ends up being called wants to improve its international standing, then it should stick to its knitting, or is that Vicking? Throw expensive branding out the window into the quad and focus on the basics.

These basics include paying staff well, making it easier for New Zealand students to study here, treating overseas students better, making sure the halls of residence aren’t drinking schools, and repairing the terrible PR damage caused by Vic snapping up the Karori training college campus for a song from the government then selling it for millions to a private company.

So interested does the university seem to be in property that I was worried it would change its name to Quinovictoria University. I urge the university council to consider dropping out from the whole sorry rebranding venture. In the meantime, Vic might also like to consider introducing a masters course in If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix Itism – compulsory for all management staff and university council members.

I’m afraid this attempt by the university council has all the charm and strategic brilliance of John Key’s flag referendum.