Cas Carter Malady in need of a makeover

I’m pretty concerned that our public health officials haven’t focused on what is clearly one of the biggest illnesses facing a large part of the population. In fact, in lieu of their oversight, I am planning to start my own public health campaign.

This promotion will be for both the victims of this serious illness, and their carers – although to date I have not found many people who do care.

There is clearly a very dangerous and unkind misunderstanding about this malady.

Firstly, I will be crowd-sourcing funding for the campaign, which will focus on my target audience – those who have succumbed to the disease and were not suitably supported by their family.

I will be tapping into a widely established number of support groups in man-sheds and sports clubs to get the word out.

I will probably avoid Instagram as the viciousness of this disease does not lend itself to imagery.

I will, however, use Twitter to connect with politicians and media, starting with teaser tweets such as ‘‘it’s real’’ and ‘‘don’t tell me to toughen up’’, before eventually revealing the topic with links to the campaign website.

Supporters will show their affiliation to the cause by wearing a snot-green ribbon throughout the campaign. The ribbons will be large, wide and soft and double as a tissue if needed.

The campaign won’t be a one-off. It will run each mid-winter to ensure we drive up maximum sympathy at a crucial time of year for sufferers.

Early research indicates that there’s a lot of work to do building public awareness.

Family members need to understand that victims really do not have the strength to sit up in bed and read, answer their emails or do the online supermarketing. Watching Netflix, however, is seemingly therapeutic.

Callously, currently there is no cure except to ride it out. Victims must simply stay in bed, groan regularly and give out a timely wail when anyone dares to approach.

We will also look at renaming the disease as some of our brand awareness research shows the current name is associated with words like ‘‘pathetic’’ and ‘‘overly dramatic’’.

Yes, I am talking about man-flu. An illness that last year was announced as ‘‘real’’, vindicating millions of men who have suffered quietly with little sympathy from their partners and families.

The British Medical Journal published findings that found men are more susceptible to suffering complications from severe respiratory diseases.

One study found pre-menopausal women had a stronger immune response to viruses than men, while another found testosterone could suppress a man’s immune system while a female sex hormone could strengthen women’s.

Extraordinarily, man-flu is not fatal, despite the fact that its victims often declare weakly that they think it might be.

I am fighting this cause because it has wider implications for the economy. Man-flu recently struck in our house, bringing the productivity of a portion of our family to its knees. The rest of us were forced to avoid a corner of the house and wear earplugs to shut out the groaning.

In time, I am hoping to take the model of catteries and kennels and gather enough support to build a series of ‘‘man-flueries’’ around the country so that, at the first onset of man-flu, the victims can be whisked away to an infirmary until they are cured.

Anyone wishing to support the cause should let me know their details.