If you’ve got a heart, then you’re a feminist
Itold my dad the other day that he may be a bit of an angry feminist. He was appalled. Understandably, because for many nice, kind, sensible sweater-wearing older men it’s almost the same as saying that they look like a Green voter or someone who wears socks and crocs as evening wear.
But just hear me out for a moment.
I’ve been thinking about this because it’s Suffrage 125 week, and I’ve spent a lot of time answering various iterations of the question, ‘‘Have we come far enough for women?’’
It’s a hard question to answer without sounding at least moderately angry, because no, obviously not. And there aren’t too many chipper ways to paint Pasifika women’s pay gap, or rates of violence against trans women, or the one police callout every five minutes for domestic violence. Inevitably, when you talk about this, someone’s going to call you an angry feminist.
It’s meant as an insult. I’m not especially offended, though. I mean, yes I’m frustrated, and I’m a feminist. But my theory is that it’s hard to be a human being with a heart who isn’t one.
In fact, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that, if you’ve got a good heart and moderate interest in others, you might be one too. Even if you don’t know it.
Now I know it’s exhausting trying to define the word ‘‘feminist’’. The word is highly polarising, highly misinterpreted and comes with more baggage than your average family trip with two kids under two.
But for me a feminist is simply someone who understands that society puts lousy expectations on people (men, women, and everyone in-between) because of their gender. And this isn’t fair.
The spirit of feminism is about pointing at those unfair societal expectations and being like, ‘‘Wait, that sounds like bulls... to me, we should think about this.’’
It means feminism is about issues that affect men just as it is about issues that affect women. Male suicide rates in New Zealand are a good example. Anyone else think it’s nuts how men are taught that any emotion, besides being angry or horny, is weak and girly? And that society actively kicks all of the finer, tenderer human feelings out of boys to turn them into ‘‘real men’’? And that these ‘‘real men’’ struggle with the vast, tangled labyrinth of human emotions. And this ultimately means they struggle to articulate any emotions, let alone the dark and deep ones, let alone have the ability to ask for help when they most need it.
See, that makes me mad – and it’s a feminist issue. Society puts all of these stupid gendered expectations on boys, and then acts surprised when it majorly screws people. Male suicide is three times higher than for females, and there’s a suicide every 15 hours. If that makes you mad too, you’re having an angry feminist moment.
Yes, I think on balance women have to deal with more crap from society than men do. Especially women of colour. Especially especially trans women. But the point is that feminism isn’t just about issues that affect women. It affects you whether you have a uterus or not.
What’s more, you’ve probably already had moments of unconscious angry feminist-ing.
Everyone, unless you’ve lived in a man cave since birth, has a female friend who’s been sexually harassed. You’ll have heard the story. It’s likely you were angry. Of course you were, you care about these people. You’d have to be colossally unfeeling not to be.
But you still may not identify as an angry feminist. Maybe you don’t see these moments in your life as manifestations of deeper societal issues. Yes, you can get mad that someone harassed your sister on the street. But if it doesn’t happen to you, let alone every week when walking to work, then it’s much easier to see it as an isolated jerk rather than a societal issue.
It’s also likely you had a bad experience with feminism at some point. I get it. I went to Honolulu in January and was so disgusted that I swore I’d rather spend a weekend in a K Mart queue. But I’m told that the real Hawaii is paradise. And just as Honolulu is not Hawaii, one angry woman who once burnt a bra on your campus is not feminism.
Or maybe feminism has just done a bad job of explaining itself, and you thought it was never about you. This is a big intergenerational problem, not just for older men like Dad for whom feminism means something very different to me. But also for kids raised on the internet, which tells them feminists are just man-hating fat lesbians.
So I don’t mind if you don’t call yourself an angry feminist. But the truth is that you probably are one yourself if you’ve got a heart.
Feminism is about issues that affect men just as it is about issues that affect women.