What not to do at Christmas
The kids might love them, but these are the presents I can’t stand, writes Merryn Porter.
They are the gifts that other people love to give your kids. They are often loud, sometimes messy, almost always require a huge chunk of your time and, most of all, they are annoying.
Here are the 10 worst that have been given to my children, in no particular order. Please think twice before you give these toys to other people’s kids this Christmas; your friends and family will thank you.
Kids’ joke books
Let me start by saying the words ‘‘kids’’ and ‘‘jokes’’ should never be seen together in a title. Largely because kids telling jokes generally isn’t funny. For starters, most jokes are too complex for their minds, so you spend more time explaining the joke than it took to listen to it.
Which brings me to the special kind of hell that is the Knock Knock joke book. ‘‘Knock, knock.’’ ‘‘Who’s there?’’ ‘‘My old will to live.’’
Musical instruments
Drum kits, guitars, the humble recorder – when played by a child with no musical talent they are the equivalent of fingernails down a blackboard.
And don’t get me started on those ‘‘pretend’’ musical instruments. The keyboard that has six songs on rotation springs to mind. Add a microphone with no volume switch and you pretty much have an all-day migraine.
Anything that makes a lot of noise
Someone once bought my son one of those voice changers from a toy store. The one that turns your toddler’s slightly annoying voice into a much louder, more annoying, satanic version of their voice. This was probably the gift that puzzled me the most because I just didn’t get why someone would design something so useless. And SO LOUD.
Then there was the Fisher Price corn popper my mum bought my son ‘‘because you had one and you loved it’’. After two days, I had an explanation for my mother’s excessive drinking when I was young.
Puzzles
What is the deal with giving puzzles to children, especially ones so clearly not ageappropriate?
My son got a 1000-piece puzzle of Australia when he was nine. He took one look at the box and refused to open it. However, his younger sister decided she would open it then wanted someone to help her do it.
Which is how I spent the Christmas holidays with a sore neck, bad back and quickly diminishing patience. She eventually gave up and it sat on the floor gathering dust until we moved house. It then got a new home on our dining table and when guests came over we ate dinner from our laps.
Walkie talkies
Walkie talkies would be great if they just did the two things the name suggests: allowed you to talk while walking. But they never seem to work. All you get is static and rising blood pressure.
And the batteries! For something that doesn’t work they sure chew up a lot of power.
Which brings me on to . . .
Anything requiring batteries
My husband and I once worked out we had spent close to $1000 replacing batteries in toys. There was a period in our lives where one of us could have given up work just so we could spend our days replacing batteries.
Items that require assembly
If I wanted to spend my afternoon assembling something, I would have made a trip to Ikea. Another great tip is not to buy something for someone else’s child if it is bigger than the child it is intended for. I am talking dolls’ houses, toy kitchens, doll changing tables (yes really), that not only need assembling but also take up a lot of room in what was once your formal living area (or only living area).
Anything dangerous or that will end up costing money
My son was once given some blaster balls, which caused real sparks when thrown and burnt the skin when touched straight after. Well-meaning relatives can also be relied on to buy bikes or skateboards but none of the accompanying helmets, knee pads, wrist pads etc that are required so said child does not break something – $120 later your child might finally be ready to try out the skateboard.
Surprise gifts that really shouldn’t be surprises
Apart from skateboards, this could include anything alive: kittens, puppies, rabbits, guinea pigs and fish. My son was once given a fish tank for his birthday, which was great, and it was free. So after I spent $200 on what I needed for the fish tank and some fish, I then spent another $200 and what was left of my sanity attempting to keep the water at the right pH level and replacing the fish every time they died. We gave up, but not before my children got to learn about life and death. OK, mainly death.
Craft
I hate craft. I should know, because since I’ve had kids I’ve done a lot of it.
How I laugh when I look back at the day I bought the knitting dolly, the loom, the tapestry set for beginners, the knitting needles. Even those mosaic by numbers sets proved too difficult for my kids, so I found myself sticking tiny sparkles to a chihuahua’s dress – yes, there was a chihuahua in a dress.