Snowman’s a cosmic joke
Remember when Kiwis ventured forth on their big OE and came back bearing trunkloads of photographs in slide form? When suburban curtains were crossed a little too early in the evening, nosy neighbours suspected a swingers’ key-swap party was going down behind closed doors.
Ten to one it was a more sedate affair, and a boring slide evening was under way. Sure the curtains were drawn, but a projector, screen and audience were assembled to endure hours of amateur photos of far-flung foreign soil, relieved by the occasional appearance of a stiffly posed human.
That’s how I feel about the first images taken by New Horizons, Nasa’s interplanetary space probe, proudly showing the world the Ultimo Thule space rock located a billion miles past Pluto on the Kuiper Belt.
Described as ‘‘a glorious red’’, these two rocks, which have merged into one, have been likened to a snowman. That’s not the first thought that came to mind when I saw what looked like a giant kumara, or something worse, dangling in space.
Holidaying proctologists wanting to take a break from the curious collections of the colon would have taken one look at the gigantic space turd and sadly shaken their heads, thinking they were on a busman’s holiday, and there was no getting away from it.
I would venture to rename the alleged ‘‘snowman’’ (how can a snowman be red?) The Cosmic Joke. If there is alien life out there, they’re probably well acquainted with our lame sci-fi genre and may have taken grave offence at TV sitcoms such as Mork and Mindy and Third Rock from the Sun. Perhaps aliens resident in the Kuiper Belt area saw fit to protect their space from Earth invaders by projecting a Trojan horse.
Hours, or light years, of alien research would have deduced that humans are repelled by close proximity to their own waste products. Imagine their confusion when the aliens observed the support crew back at Nasa base camp yelping with delight at an image of their own excrement.
The aliens responsible for this fake news would have been forgiven for thinking the species was depraved, and further forgiven for not being acquainted with the ‘‘emperor’s new clothes’’ syndrome. Seeing the giant poo would have been too much for Earthlings, who don’t want to admit what they see, because if they did it would make them appear stupid – that the joke was on them.
Another take on the cosmic joke is that, like the moon landings, the whole snowman thing could be a giant set-up to deflect from the Chinese lunar craft achievement of exploring the far side of the moon. If that is the case, then someone should tell the set designers responsible for the hoax that the support crew back at Nasa are badly in need of a do-up. We’ve seen the same dreary back-at-base set since the Apollo expeditions when Jack Swigert said: ‘‘Houston, we’ve had a problem.’’
Scientists sitting in curved rows and high-fiving each other doesn’t cut it any more. I’m thinking booths with perhaps a flora and fauna theme to them.
It will be a few days before we can evaluate which country has pipped the other to the post in the latest space race. In the meantime, aliens should evaluate Planet Dung as an epic fail. If they want to send a message to Earth, the Trojan horse should have been a planet that looks like a giant plastic bag.
If we put Gone With the Wind in front of our kids, what do we say when Mammy acts like a happy slave who adores her masters?