My four new grudge taxes

Even though rental property owners expected that the Tax Working Group’s recommendations would be a plague on all their houses, the feigned WTF over the CTG has been OMG hysterical. According to leader of the Opposition Simon Bridges, who has a portfolio of three residential properties and one commercial building, the capital gains tax was an attack on the Kiwi way of life, and an insult to aspirational Kiwis.

There’s that word again, the one that former prime minister John Key introduced into our lexicon when the boy-from-the-state-house-madegood inspired Kiwis to become aspirational.

National finance spokeswoman Amy Adams used the A word as well, in an interview with Morning Report host Guyon Espiner, who interrupted her aspirational spiel by calling her out on her ownership of eight properties.

The minister corrected him, saying the Adams family owned a mere six properties, adding that the host had committed a low blow by drawing attention to her portfolio. After the interview, Morning Report listeners texted and emailed in, some defending Adams’ call for privacy over her multiple property status, others praising Espiner’s expose. One listener empathised with Adams, confessing that they too had once owned eight properties, but had lost the lot – in a game of Monopoly.

And so it went on, with talkback shows raging over the proposed taxes, and farmers and small business owners appealing to the heart strings of the ‘‘kindness’’ prime minister, Taxcinda Ardern.

Division lines were drawn. Those who had the least, and therefore the least to lose in the proposed taxes highlighted in the discussion document, were no-hopers and bludgers on the state, while those who worked eight days a week to buy retirement properties were aspirational.

As the Government listens to the sturm und drang and tries to decide which taxes to implement, may I be so bold as to suggest that Sir Michael Cullen’s discussion document didn’t go far enough, and a few grudge taxes should be added to the list:

❚ The Tenancy Tribunal Tax. A sliding-scale tax imposed on all monies provided by tenants and deposited with the Tenancy Tribunal. The tribunal enjoys the not insignificant interest on deposits, particularly those made by long-term tenants. When the tenant quits the property and collects the deposit, the tenant should be able to collect the interest. This self-earned tax break would add another layer of good faith to the landlord/tenant relationship, and create an incentive to keep properties in good nick.

❚ The Material Tax. For the morbidly obese, a 5 per cent tax on all their clothing to pay for the extra material to cover the XXXOS body mass. This would bring down the price of clothing for the small, medium and large sized.

❚ The Lime Scooter Tax. For travellers using the footpath on motorised scooters, a 50 per cent tax on all trips to help pay for ACC accidents incurred to themselves, and to other users of the footpath. An additional 40 per cent tax on anyone using a footpath who fails to exert the use of their legs by human-powered propulsion.

❚ The Beauty Tax. For the top 5 per cent of attractive people who have had the outrageous fortune to be born with exceptional beauty, the research shows they get better jobs and earn more money. Because this group has enjoyed a life of unearned privilege, a 5 per cent tax on their annual income, and a 5 per cent tax break for the butt-ugly.