The birds and the bees before 13?
Stella Griffiths is the first to admit that when it comes to ‘‘The Talk’’, times have changed. Her parents didn’t even broach the subject of sex with her, but her four grandchildren know all about the birds and the bees at ages 10, 11 and 14.
‘‘These days, the kids know everything and so early on,’’ says the 67-year-old from Whakata¯ ne. ‘‘When I was a kid, you didn’t talk about it. Your parents sure as hell didn’t talk about sex. I felt like a modern parent when I had the chat with my sons when they were teenagers in the 80s.
‘‘But really, there was no blueprint on what you should be talking about, when you should be talking about it and if it was even that helpful for them. And even now, I still think it’s the most awkward conversation I’ve ever had in my life.’’
With greater access to information about sex via the internet, it is perhaps no surprise that new research has revealed 44 per cent of Kiwi parents think ‘‘The Talk’’ should happen before children turn 13.
The nib State of the Nation Parenting Survey of 1200 parents found just over 2 in every 5 parents think it’s appropriate to have conversations about sex with their children at that age.
Just over one-quarter think waiting to 14 is more appropriate. Older parents – aged 40-54 – and mothers and female caregivers are more likely to think discussing sex is appropriate in the pre-teen years, and 6 per cent think waiting until 18 is best.
One in 25 parents don’t think it is appropriate to discuss sex with their kids at all.
Under 13 may seem a little young but Family Planning’s national health promotion adviser Amanda Hargreaves says parents need to start laying down a foundation that enables open conversations about sex.
‘‘It should be many conversations, not just one,’’ says Hargreaves. ‘‘It’s about lifelong learning. ‘‘We want to give kids the impression that they can ask questions, that we’re supportive and that there’s nothing wrong with their bodies. It’s a positive approach to
How to talk to kids about sex
Keep it age appropriate Starting early doesn’t mean talking about every aspect before they can count to five. Let your children lead the conversation and listen to their cues.
Don’t assume they know
If you start the conversation with ‘‘you probably know this’’, a child is likely to nod their head as they think they should be in the know, even if they aren’t.
Don’t guess but learn together When the questions get a little tricky, don’t start guessing. Simply say, ‘‘I’m not sure about the answer to that’’ and then find out together. It will also teach them it’s OK to not have all the answers. Keep the conversation judgment-free
Diversity in sexuality might be new to you as a parent but is an increasingly big subject for younger children, so try to keep the conversation open and judgment-free. It will ensure they continue to come to you for advice and help.
sexuality that we all need to follow because we all have a sexuality.’’
Sexuality education became mandatory in schools in 1991. It is compulsory until year 10, but parents can elect to remove their children from the class.
Family Planning has been working to move away from the traditional biology-book approach.
Research published in April 2017 found open conversations between parents and children reduced rates of sexual risktaking behaviours, increased condom and contraceptive use, ensured an older sexual debut and increased willingness to access sexual health services
‘‘There’s a lot of tricky conversations to have, especially around consent and sexual violence, that we need to have later on,’’ Hargreaves explains.
‘‘But if we’re encouraging kids to respect each other’s bodies and to open up the conversation, then it makes those bigger conversations later on much easier to have.’’
The nib State of the Nation Parenting Survey was conducted by Nielsen. Stuff contributed to aspects of the survey questions.