I’ve got the answers to the city’s trolley follies
Kia ora koutou. Perhaps because last week was Te Wiki o te Reo Ma¯ ori, there was less media attention than usual on the latest development in Wellington’s pahiaitua¯ (my best stab at ‘‘bustastrophe’’). After valiantly trying to retrofit 57 trolley buses with battery technology, NZ Bus is now calling for expressions of interest to supply a brand new electric fleet. Though the buses could be retrofitted, it would cost the same as buying new electric ones.
It seems incredible that we got rid of the clean, green trolleys, which could have lasted another decade at least, without rigorous investigation and with only a couple of councillors in the GWRC (Greater Wellington Regional Council) dissenting. Then again, if the trolleys had been kept, the wonderful new and efficient bus hub system could never have been introduced.
It’s difficult to get a trolley bus from the zoo to the hospital when the GWRC wants it to veer off to Kingston, where there are no trolley lines. If you are a politician, of course you are going to talk down the value of trolley buses if you’ve got plans for an entirely different network design in your back pocket.
A beautiful green city like Wellington having polluting diesel buses making up 98 per cent of its fleet is as bad a look as a political party that has campaigned on gender equality for decades being embroiled in a major sexual abuse scandal.
Given that this week is Conservation Week, I think Wellingtonians need to come to the aid of NZ Bus and the GWRC to work out a way to recycle the buses rather than send them to landfill.
You don’t have to be a student used to viewing 50 flats a year to know that there is a housing crisis in Wellington. Trouble is, everyone seems to have a different solution.
Mayor Justin ‘‘Sausalito’’ Lester is keen on the new housing development at Shelly Bay. Mayoral candidate Conor ‘‘Nine-hole’’ Hill wants to use half the Berhampore Golf Course for housing. Andy ‘‘Landfill’’ Foster reckons two barren playing fields at Owhiro Bay would be perfect. Jenny ‘‘Yes In My
Backyard’’ Condie supports new medium-density housing opposite the Johnsonville Mall.
With the fleet of trolley buses converted to rental houses – with wheels still on – then if the mayoralty or the balance on the council changes they could quickly be moved from one public place to another without expensive construction costs.
There is also a big shortage of retirement accommodation in Wellington. Given that many GWRC councillors are retiring this year, why not use the buses as a retirement village for them, though some would argue that GRWC has been a retirement village for former MPs for many years.
Some have called for the trolley buses to be donated to a museum. This is a brilliant idea. Why not spend valuable ratepayer money on building a Museum of Local Body Failures? I’ve got relatives in the building trade, so no need to go to public tender. The Failure Museum could include a Wrightspeed motor, Sesqui memorabilia, machinery used to build the Wellington motorway bypass that saw costs outweigh benefits, an old Snapper machine from the Airport Flyer, a scale model of the film museum, and bits of crumbling bitumen from the Ka¯ piti Expressway. It should be built big enough so new exhibits can be added.
Then again, NZ Bus could just donate the 57 trolleys to Te Papa. It could display them or, even better, convert them into ocean explorers. Surplus mollusc and fish experts could be forced into these benthic buses and told to investigate the ocean floor instead of causing grief for management with silly arguments about a national museum needing internationally regarded experts. We all know a museum’s core business is staff restructuring.
Some have called for the trolley buses to be donated to a museum. Brilliant. Why not spend valuable ratepayer money on building a Museum of Local Body Failures?
Meanwhile, one of the trolley buses could have a diesel motor fitted and be used to transfer CEOs imported from overseas from the airport to Te Papa for their short-duration stays. Then again, I suspect there will soon be a cavernous space beneath the new convention centre that won’t get used much, so perhaps that would be a good space for the Failure Museum.
As all literate Wellingtonians know, a large part of the library collection cannot be accessed because of the closure of the Central Library. We used to have mobile libraries in buses until councillors cut them, so why not put books in these buses and plonk them in various spots around the city?
Immobile libraries could be full of books, and each book bus could be named after a councillor who voted for the trolley buses to be dismantled.
Given it is the election season, I look forward to local body candidates coming up with their own ideas for what to do with the buses, many of which I’m sure will make mine seem less than satirical.