Let them eat cake: how not to get Welly moving
There were wild scenes at the Let’s Get Wellington Moving (LGWM) offices yesterday when it was discovered that one of the transport planners had a birthday. The tradition for a LGWM birthday celebration has been for a staff shout at the pub after work.
However, LGWM officials brought to the attention of the revellers the difficulty of this situation. Not only would up to 10 staff walking to a pub after work greatly increase pedestrian congestion, but such is the unreliability of the bus and train networks that revellers would face getting home very late and may not be able to eat dinner and read the kids a story by 8.30pm.
The staff member in question decided to ditch the after-work shout and suggested instead putting on a staff morning tea that he would pay for. This costneutral solution was greeted with enthusiasm by management – until they carried out a risk assessment and identified some major worries.
Sticky buns could not only lead to obesity for those staff who don’t use active transport modes, but could also present a choking risk. LGWM has put a moratorium on consuming chokeable food at morning tea until all staff have undergone training in administering the Heimlich manoeuvre.
Though cream doughnuts would support the agricultural industry, they would create problems for staff with high cholesterol. And, while kumara muffins were wonderfully bicultural, the high gluten content could be harmful to those with coeliac disease and allergies.
LGWM management then presented four options for the morning tea and invited staff to engage and vote: a) a salad roll and a cupcake; b) two salad rolls and no cupcakes; c) two cupcakes and no salad roll; d) an all-expenses-paid trip to London to have high tea at the Ritz. Amazingly, the trip to London was the most popular with staff, but LGWM management were worried about both the cost and climate change implications. At this stage local mayors and regional councillors were invited to engage and they all agreed that a cupcake and salad roll was the most sensible and cost-effective option.
However, NZTA thought a fluffy apple turnover from the lovely cake shop by the Basin Reserve would be cheaper and taste better. But an appeal to the Environment Court saw the Basin Reserve Turnover option taken off the table and put into the (compostable) rubbish bin.
Transport Minister Phil Twyford also supported the cupcake-and-roll option, describing it as ‘‘balanced and sensible’’. However, Associate Transport Minister Julie Anne Genter was unimpressed. Though she didn’t mind LGWM staff having a cupcake, she wrote to Twyford saying staff must eat the cupcake after the roll and not before, otherwise they would spoil their dinner.
There were rumours that the rolls-and-cupcake issue got so heated that it could have led to a breakup of the coalition government. Meanwhile, Shane Jones said that anyone who didn’t like cupcakes was a ‘‘big jerk’’.
National MPs Chris Bishop and Nicola Willis, who both prefer to eat dessert before their main course, called for Genter to immediately release her cupcake letter to Twyford, but she refused. A request to the Ombudsman, who quite likes cupcakes, ruled that, although Genter didn’t have to release her letter, she should point out why she believes it’s better to eat nutritional savouries before high-calorie sweet cakes.
Many people have accused LGWM of dithering and causing paralysis by engagement and consultation over the morning tea shout, but it emphatically denies this.
‘We are people of action,’’ said acting external relations manager TB Confirmed, ‘‘and to show this we are immediately calling for tenders to write the business case to appoint a committee who will select tenders for baking the food that will form part of the LGWM Morning Tea Solution (LGWMMTS), as it is now called. We’ve created an expensive website with pretty graphics designed by a very talented 11-year-old to help us find out what Wellingtonians really think would be the best morning tea shout.’’
LGWM is confident that the options will be available for public vote by December 2020, an action plan sorted by November 2021 and the cupcakes and rolls rollout to occur in July 2022.
Given that the staff member’s birthday falls on November 18, this creates a slight problem. ‘‘Not to worry,’’ said TB Confirmed. ‘‘We’ll make the cupcakes and rolls then put the project on ice for four months. Tenders for the business case as to what freezer would be best for storing the frozen cupcakes and rolls are expected to be called with the next 12 months, all going well.
‘‘We’re supremely confident of a big birthday morning tea on November 18, 2022. Now we just have to make sure it won’t clash with events being held around that time celebrating the 10-year anniversary of public consultation first beginning at LGWM.’’
Meanwhile, Shane Jones said that anyone who didn’t like cupcakes was a ‘big jerk’.