We can turn anxiety into support
As someone who has worked in the field of healthy relationship and consent education, I know that yesterday’s release of analysis of the most-viewed videos by New Zealanders on Pornhub will cause a stir.
A lot of people will be shocked by the results. They are different from the current narrative around what is in mainstream pornography. But, once we shed our initial disbelief and see this for what it is, a very different kind of analysis, one that looks at what Kiwis are actually choosing to view, it can be used as a springboard for conversations.
I’ve had many conversations with both young people and parents about pornography. The feeling of anxiety when talking to parents is palpable. And who could blame them given the statistics? It’s scary to think that, if our young people are watching porn, 88 per cent of what they are seeing is violent and aggressive.
We are not saying that violent and aggressive content isn’t prevalent in the porn landscape, but this analysis shows that most NZ viewers are not choosing to watch aggressive porn, with only 10 per cent of popular videos containing aggressive behaviour.
The analysis shows that a high proportion is mutually pleasurable content. If this is also an accurate portrayal of what young people see when they watch pornography it can hopefully help to allay some of the high anxiety parents feel.
This is important because, if we enter this conversation from a place of fear, we don’t help our kids. When we bring fear and anxiety into the conversation it can be interpreted as anger, whilst also making it difficult for us to listen and really hear what our children have to say.
We don’t want our kids to think we are angry at them, or that they are monsters for seeing pornography. We want them to feel that they can talk to us and know that we will listen, without judgment or jumping down their throats due to our anxiety.
However, the fact that the most popular content isn’t so violent or extreme doesn’t change the need to talk to our kids. There are a lot of concerning findings in this analysis: the lack of contraception, problematic narratives that show power imbalances, especially stories that show sex between step relatives, which is called ‘‘step porn’’, and the lack of positive examples of consent. All these can be dangerous if our kids are using porn as sex education, and research shows that they are.
If anything, these findings further support the importance of talking about healthy relationships, consent and pornography with young people. These conversations are crucial if we want them to have healthy, intimate and fulfilling sexual relationships. Parents need to feel empowered, to know what they can do, and how they can successfully navigate these conversations rather than feeling stuck and paralysed by anxiety.
Consent is at the heart of this conversation. This is a relatively new dialogue, and one that young people have marched to Parliament to ensure that we are having.
It is part of the New Zealand Curriculum, but unfortunately consent education isn’t delivered consistently across the country.
My experience of talking to young people about consent is that they are usually pretty clear about when you are unable to give consent: under the age of 16, intoxicated, asleep or unconscious, and with force or pressure. What isn’t as clear is what coercion is.
What we are seeing in narratives like Step Fantasy are tropes that are clearly taboo and problematic in terms of consent. These begin with one person convincing the other to have sex by repeatedly asking and essentially doing so until a no turns into a yes. This is really important to unpack with young people. We want to be talking about the fact that consent needs to be fully and freely given with the option of being able to change your mind and withdraw your consent at any time.
We need to teach our kids that consent is a conversation. It’s more than doing the bare minimum when it comes to sex or intimacy; it’s about mutual pleasure. It’s reading all the cues, both verbal and physical, to ensure that consent is present every step of the way.
There is no set script when it comes to sex. It relies on open and honest communication that shows respect and ensures safety. This is missing from porn. It’s our job to ensure it’s not a narrative missing from the lives of our kids.
I know we want our kids to have healthy and fulfilling relationships. All we need to do is start talking.
For more information, visit www.classificationoffice.govt.nz