DIY carefully in lockdown

Welcome to lockdown, folks. I suppose the best thing we can do is apply a certain amount of stoicism to the situation. Be like the archetypal colonial British gentleman and display a stiff upper lip ...

Like the rest of you, I intend to make the most of this situation.

Sadly, in my life, intent and action have been uneasy bedfellows and I already have the faint sense of dread that I’m going to get to the end of this month and kick myself for not having achieved enough.

But it’s too early in the cycle for negativity, isn’t it?

Let’s allow ourselves a few moments to dream. My mum’s going to conquer her garden. My dad’s going to build new running boards for his hot rod.

Me, I’m going to lay the flooring in my laundry. How rock’n’roll is that?

I want you all to think about what you’re going to achieve.

And I want you all to remember this each time you find yourself sucked into that black hole that is the internet.

Get off the computer. Do some calisthenics. If it was enough to keep the Spartan army in shape, it should get you through the next month.

Because even though we are locked inside our private little boxes, there’s still plenty that can be done that doesn’t involve watching funny cat videos.

If my recent visit to Bunnings was anything to go by, a bunch of you are planning on using this time to get onto some pretty serious DIY projects.

What I would like to use today’s column for is a public service announcement: if you’re at home doing proper jobs, take a moment to treat your home like a worksite and think about safety.

Boring, I know. Preachy, I know. Out of character, I know.

It’s just that I make this announcement due to the fact that my dodgy brother-in-law spent the weekend in hospital after cutting off his thumb. Did you know a drop saw has a different blade to a skill saw? The drop saw blade is flatter and less angled.

This means it smashes through the timber as part of its job of cutting. A saw like this will make a real mess of, say, a dodgy thumb.

Believe me, I can show you the photos if you haven’t yet eaten today.

Luckily for the dodgy brother-in-law, they managed to reattach the thing and it’ll be no time before he’s hitchhiking or doing that shaka thing.

He’s lucky, as I’ve been led to believe that the only thing that separates us from the chimpanzees is our opposable thumbs.

I’m sure the loss of said digit would have meant the dodgy brother-in-law would’ve had to revert to the chimpanzee side of his nature, and the last thing the world needs right now is that guy eating fleas off my sister and scratching about in holes for termites.

What I’m saying is we all need to take a few moments to think about what could go wrong when embarking on the next great DIY project.

Once you’ve worked out what could go wrong, put a few steps in pace to mitigate the danger. That’s all. Not too much to ask is it?

This is all it would take to ensure a few less idiots (myself included) present at A&E with avoidable injuries.

I’m sure the last thing our hospitals need is a bunch of us showing up with avoidable injuries when they’ve got the real issue of a global pandemic to get on with.