And the Lord did speak unto Brian: Keep thy bubbles legit
God the Heavenly Father and Supreme Creator has today warned that if Bishop Brian Tamaki breaches level 2 social distancing rules at a church service planned for tomorrow, then He will not hesitate to dob the gathering into the New Zealand Police’s 105 hotline.
Speaking at a safe social distance from behind a burning bush, the Lord Almighty was responding to Tamaki’s declaration this week encouraging his congregation to ignore the 10-person maximum on church services.
‘‘My message to Bishop Brian – and by the way that whole ‘bishop’ thing is something that’ll keep for later – is don’t get cocky, kid.
‘‘Sure, when two or three gather in My name there I am, but more than 10 and I’m straight out the fire exit and on the horn to the polis, pronto.’’
‘‘Sure, there was a time I would have handled this Myself with some pillars of fire and wailing and gnashing of teeth. But that was in My old testament days. Now I’m more of a render unto Caesar guy, or in this case render unto your local police district commander.’’
God was also at pains to reiterate that no-one was above social distancing, no matter how many Harley-Davidsons they owned, and that in the past even members of His own family had been forced to experience it for humanity’s greater good.
‘‘Hey, didn’t my very own Son have to wander in the desert for 40 days? Exactly. He didn’t get a free pass. And if He can do that, then Brian can put up with not having a couple of hundred people hanging on his every word for a couple of Sundays.
‘‘And by the way, no passing the collection plate round hand-to-hand either, Baz. I’ve sent the boy in to kick the money changers out of the temple once, and I’ll do it again if I have to.’’
God Almighty also moved quickly to rebut Tamaki’s claim that the cause of coronavirus was people straying from Him.
‘‘Oh that is rich. If he believes that, I’ve got an eye of a needle I want to sell him.
‘‘Also, while we’re talking fake news – and put the Pope on standby for Infallibility Mode because he’s going to need to spread the word on this one – the virus did not, and you can carve this on a stone tablet, it did not come from a Chinese lab.’’
‘‘Honest to Me’’, God added,
‘‘My message to Bishop Brian – and by the way that whole ‘bishop’ thing is something that’ll keep for later – is don’t get cocky, kid.’’
‘‘there are times I look at Donald Trump and think maybe the whole created-in-My-image thing was just a metaphor after all.’’
The Almighty Creator concluded His press conference by announcing that He was amending some of His own rules in order to conform with the New Normal.
‘‘Top of the list: From now on the Ninth Commandment will read ‘Thou Shalt Not Covid Thou Neighbour’s Wife’. Read it and weep, Brian.’’
‘‘Now if you’ll excuse Me, I understand that Grant Robertson is calling My name. Something about needing some help ‘doing a Lazarus’ on the economy’’.