Parents’ dining out demand a nightmare

Question

I have two sets of twins and my four children are all under seven. Whenever my parents visit from out of town, every few months, they insist we take the children to a restaurant to get them used to eating out. It is really stressful dining with four little ones and I can’t bear the looks I get from other diners.

Last time, we went to an Italian place and one of the children knocked his entire plate of food onto the floor and then screamed. It was beyond embarrassing. Every single meal, something gets spilt or someone cries.

I know it’s not a major problem, but my parents are super fussy about manners and learning to sit quietly, etc. I don’t like disappointing them, I never have. I also don’t like seeing the disappointed faces of the other diners who’ve booked near us for the evening.

Answer

Even when you’re the parent, it can feel as though you’re not really the adult when you still get told what to do. It’s a juggle to keep people happy, especially parents and parents-in-law.

I had a similar squabble when my children were young, but mine involved church. One set of parents wanted my children to attend church and the other set wanted them kept away. I remember juggling Sunday mornings trying to please everyone, but never winning anywhere.

People advised me to ‘‘do as I pleased’’, but I’ve realised now that assertiveness and perspective, sometimes, only comes with age. The generation I was dealing with were strong, well-intentioned folk who would not back down. It wasn’t easy. Now, as a grandparent, I try to remember what’s actually my business and what is not.

So, how does this help you? I don’t think you need to argue with your parents – that just causes more stress and it isn’t worth it. They’re visiting from out of town and this whole business will be a strong memory for all of you, but especially your children. Can you find a child-friendly dining establishment? Some places hand out colouring pages and pens (along with massive quantities of sweet desserts). If your parents want the children to eat at finer restaurants, then ring in advance, enlist some support from the waiters and ask for a table in a corner.

Right now, restaurateurs will be grateful to have diners, any diners, so I’m sure they’ll accommodate you. Book as early as you can – 5pm, perhaps. Try not to be anxious about your children’s behaviour because they’ll pick up on your vibe and use it to their advantage. Take some wipes and something distracting if it looks as if trouble might erupt. Take some photos too so your children have a record of these outings. You could also take separate cars and encourage your parents to linger on at the end, while you get the troops home to bed. But, most of all, try to enjoy it – it’s got to be more fun than church.

■ Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over.

■ Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of a professional counsellor or psychologist.

■ To send Mary-anne a question, email life. style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.