Agood enough parent is OK
There’s a secret nobody will tell you about raising children. It’s not written in any of the umpteen parenting books or magazines, and you’ll never see it in advertisements or brochures.
If it got out, it would change everything; business empires would fold and the stock market would crash, all because parents would stop feeling so blimmin’ bad about themselves.
Because guilt sells, and mums and dads are buying it in bulk.
What nobody tells you is that kids mostly turn out OK; all parents have to do is be good enough.
You wouldn’t know it from the endless experts warning that many of us are raising the next Norman Bates, but it’s perfectly fine to just do as well as we can. In fact, it’s all we can do.
Right now we’re being told our children are spending too much time in front of screens. The average 8-year-old in New Zealand spends four hours a day staring at a screen, and research suggests some preschoolers become familiar with digital devices before they do books.
We recently found out our toddlers and preschoolers likely aren’t getting enough sleep. Throw in the inspirational tales of how we should be saving thousands by making our own bread and biscuits, and it’s no wonder parents feel terrible.
Raising tired, screen-addicted, processed food-eating children might not be the best parenting, but it sure isn’t the worst.
Parenting at its core is about survival; for everyone. There are plenty of magical moments, but ultimately it’s a hard slog marked by the constant gnawing guilt we’re not doing a perfect job.
Iwas ultimately as relaxed at parenting my small children as former health minister David Clark was at staying home during a national lockdown. It might seem an unusual analogy, but Clark’s behaviour and my parenting actually have a lot in common; we both understood clearly what we were meant to do, and then set about doing the opposite.
He went biking instead of staying inside; I read novels instead of making dinner. He blamed Ashley Bloomfield for lax border measures; I blamed my kids for losing the kindy cockatiel. The big difference between us was that he got told off for his transgressions, while I was given permission for mine.
It was when I was struggling with twin babies and a wonky preschooler that my doctor delivered the revelation I’ve lived by ever since: You can’t ever be a perfect parent, so just be good enough. That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.
My own kids are of the generation that has always had access to the internet. There were times when they sat slack-jawed in front of screens for hours while I took full advantage of the respite these digital babysitters afforded, and everything turned out OK.
One of my sons ate no vegetable other than broccoli for a year. He’s now 6ft 2in and has never had scurvy; everything turned out OK.
Allmy children once broke down in tears when I told them I’d baked muffins for afternoon tea; they ate bought biscuits, and turned out OK.
Being a good enough parent isn’t really about what you do or don’t do; it’s about being kind to yourself, doing your best, and loving those little monsters just like you do already.
Take it from one of the original good enough parents; even despite the screen time, processed food, and sleepless nights, you’re good enough already, and those kids are going to turn out perfectly OK.
Just read them the occasional book, eh?