Thanks tomyapp, an apology’s in the pipeline

Iam delighted to learn that, in the last year, Wellington Water has paid private PR contractors over $350,000. While Wellington Water wastes millions of dollars a year on fripperies like pipes, concrete and drains, it’s nice to know that it has its investment priorities right.

As we all know, PR damage is way more toxic and long-lasting to a council organisation than damage caused by sludge and sewage.

However, I believe savings can still be made, even in essential areas like public relations. As a Christmas gesture of goodwill to Wellington Water and all profligate local body organisations, I am gifting themmy new state-of-the-art app APPologise. This app, easily downloadable and simple to use, writes a customised apology for any local body organisation, and will enable it to slash its PR bill.

Whether your Snafu involves water, buses or exorbitant leadership courses, APPologise means you can say sorry in thousands of different ways.

How does the app work? Read the following letter and just choose the simple a), b), or c) option to make your special customised apology. Dear Ratepayer/Taxpayer/Mum

On behalf of a) Wellington Water b) Metlink c) insert local body organisation here, we would like to a) profoundly b) profusely c) sincerely d) not really apologise for the latest a) spill b) leak c) flood d) poonami in your a) street b) CBD c) harbour.

We can assure you that we have been in touch with our a) subcontractors b) PR company c) lawyers d) emotions, who are solving the problem a) immediately b) as soon as they get back from their summer holiday in early February c) God knows when.

In the meantime, please don’t a) panic b) swim c) drive d) breathe in e) contact us, as it will only slow the process a) down b) up. We are working around the a) clock b) corner c) law to solve your problem.

Unfortunately, there may be some delays. We currently have a severe a) labourer b) driver c) common sense shortage and we are finding it difficult to recruit a) good b) highly trained c) any staff. This is mainly due to a) a skills shortage b) the crap they get from the public c) low wages d) our toxic work environment e) all of the above.

Because of this, we have engaged a) an expensive overseas recruitment company b) an expensive local recruitment company c) with a dartboard to try to find suitable staff.

But first a bit of a) history b) bulls..t. The severe problems we face with Wellington’s a) pipes b) buses c) rental houses d) venues e) local body politicians are due to decades of neglect and underinvestment.

And we don’t even fully know the extent of the problem. Unfortunately, the effectiveness of the a) pipes b) drains c) bus stop d) street lights e) city councillor in your street was last checked when a) World War I broke out b) the tramlines got pulled out c) Andy Foster was first elected to council.

Nevertheless, our highly trained staff have been committed to a) solving your problem b) an institution c) stand trial. We really wanted to fix a) the problem b) the drain c) your cat when you first drew it to our attention a) last week b) last month c) during the 1986 mayoral campaign.

Unfortunately, when you called us, all our contractors were a) busy b) sick c) watching the cricket d) earning better money elsewhere, which is why no action was taken. We a) value b) don’t value your business because we are owned by a) you b) a monopoly c) a rich person overseas who couldn’t care less.

You are correct that the 2096 spills this year in Wellington city is way over the target we set of 100 spills. The reason for this is a) the pipes are old b) we have underinvested in infrastructure for decades c) my executive assistant missed out a zero in the press release c) Iwas stoned when I set the target.

Though we understand your problem is urgent, please do not a) phone b) email c) stalk us as our communications staff are currently experiencing an overflow of a) waste water b) sewage c) sludge d) comms work in our office.

We expect fresh new a) comms staff b) sewage in our office in the new year and they will a) scream b) get right on to your problem c) wonder why on earth they applied to work here d) resign immediately and outsource the work to PR companies.

In the a) meantime b) hope of getting rid of you, I would like to wish you a) Merry Christmas b) Happy Solstice c) interesting devil worship ceremony, and we look forward to being in touch and solving your problem a) in the new year b) when hell freezes over.

Yours sincerely – insert name here.

We would like to a) profoundly b) profusely c) sincerely d) not really apologise for the latest a) spill b) leak c) flood d) poonami in your a) street b) CBD c) harbour.