I can scent an opportunity

For most of my life perfume has been my constant companion, till lockdown came along and I got out of the habit of wearing it. In its absence, I tried to estimate just how much money I’d blown on the olfactory indulgence and it didn’t bear thinking about.

I came close to giving up perfume after a boyfriend told me to turn down the volume on the spray because it gave him a headache. This was rich coming from him, who reeked of a noxious homemade herbal brew he claimed young women were always complimenting him on.

When I told a friend about the boyfriend’s turndown-the-volume ordinance, she blew her stack, telling me that if a bloke ever told her to do that, she’d smash him in the face.

The face was never smashed in, but the comment made me use perfume more sparingly so that chaps would have to lean in to smell it. If they liked it.

Now, as I try to reinvent myself for the next few years of my working life, I think the best option may be to become an entrepreneur/inventor, possibly of perfume.

After all, I have the appropriate rags-to-riches grotty back shed to create my start-up in, and a lot of catchy titles to launch my new range of perfumes, soaps and aftershaves ‘‘by Bowronomo’’ for 2021.

I pride myself on forward thinking, and can see happy years in front of me sequestered in an old peeps’ home sprayed with the bespoke rest home fragrance eau de cabbage (pronounced like fromage).

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Imust give a nod to our sporting greats, athletes and mountain climbers and their odiferous perspiration problems both past and present, thus creating, Scrum for the All Blacks, Snell for Sir Peter, and Big Ears for Sir Ed (who had a pair you could really dab some scent behind).

For the politicians we came to know so much about during 2020 election year, a soy-based scented candle called Soy man (Simon Bridges); Gerry Can, a spray-on deodorant (Gerry Brownlee); and Winston, an aftershave with undertones of tobacco, horse saddle and animal secretions.

And watch this space – Bowronomo Fragrances is currently working on a series of generic perfumes for each political party in order to create a strong force-field of representational fragrance emanating from each bloc of politicians seated in the debating chamber.

We cannot forget the contribution of directorgeneral of health Ashley Bloomfield, he who withdrew his name from a contest for TV Personality of the Year but couldn’t stop a tidal wave of tea towels, coffee mugs and tote bags plastered with his image. In honour of his contribution to the control and quelling of Covid19, Bowronomo Fragrances introduces its two scents worth: Ashley and Vaxine.

For services to meat, with base notes of sawdust, we are currently working on our Mad Butcher line to be released at the same time as totes of soaps and bath bombs titled It’s in the Bag, in remembrance of Selwyn Toogood.

Enough with the celebratory fragrances. We also have a series of affordable stepping-out-on-the-town scents including Friday Night, Kitten Heels, Swipe Right, Hook Up, Walk of Shame, Hangover, Knee Trembler and, for the rural worker, Up Against the Wood Shed.

And for those who love their perfume but insist that they only wear if for themselves and in no way wish to attract the attention of other nostrils, we have produced scent with complex and subtle notes including Never Ever, and Not on your Nelly.