Johnny Moore:

I have World Cup fatigue already

I already have Rugby World Cup fatigue and we’re only a week into the event.

People seem to be putting a lot of importance on a bunch of blokes who kick a ball about a field and charge into one another for 80 minutes. With the squad announced at Parliament and a media filling us in on every move the team makes, it’s hard to avoid rugby at the moment.

I just worry that we put such importance on the event that if – God forbid – we don’t win, the only thing that’ll be black will be the mood of the country and the bodies of the partners of boofheads who think smashing the missus is an appropriate reaction to losing.

I’m not coming at this from some highbrow position where I think we should be celebrating poets, authors and musicians. No, I’m as sports mad as the next bloke sitting at the bar.

If you can gamble on it and it’s available on telly then I’ll watch it: rugby, football, motor racing, tiddlywinks or cage fighting. So long as there’s something else I should be doing, you’ll find me glued to the set.

Thus I found myself getting up at an hour more suited to staying up until to watch New Zealand’s opening match.

And do you know the main thing that I took away from the match? Just what a boring dirge the national anthem is. I’d say it’s got to be one of the worst in the world but if you’ve spent much time watching the Olympics you’ll know there are some real shockers out there.

But maybe while we’re talking about changing the flag, we should go the whole hog and talk about changing the national anthem. Hey, while we’re at it, let’s tell the Queen to piss off.

‘‘God of nations at thy feet.’’ The use of the word ‘‘thy’’ should be a red flag that the song is dated but it continues for a couple more verses until the audience is so bored they’re doing their best to stay awake by the end. And it doesn’t matter what language you sing it in, it’s just as awful – they should try using it as an anesthetic in hospitals, it might save the healthcare system some money.

Aren’t we moving toward a secular society anyway? Maybe the time to appeal to a Christian God has passed. Besides, what’s God ever done for the All Blacks? He clearly liked France’s national anthem – a cracking tune full of blood running in the streets and revolutionary fervour – on occasion.

Now I’m not going to just grizzle about a situation without proposing a solution. So here it is. Have you noticed that once the anthem is over and they’ve removed the bodies of those that have opened their wrists, then the real entertainment begins.

The haka. Good ol’ Ka Mate. The fallback for pissed Kiwis embarrassing themselves in London. Now there’s a call to action full of metaphor and with actions more choreographed than a Michael Jackson show. We should throw away God Defend New Zealand and replace it immediately with Ka Mate.

I’m sure we could sublet the tune off the New Zealand Rugby Union. Can you imagine it blaring over the speakers as the Olympic rowers stand proudly on the podium? There’d be no other national anthem quite like it.

So I’ll enjoy this World Cup, but when they’re singing the anthem you won’t find me standing in reverence – I’ll be in the kitchen making toast and coffee while I wait for the real anthem to start.