Arrowtown’s king of bling

Hello! Michael Hill, jeweller. It’s 1996 and I have too many rings, and they all must go! Big rings, small rings, shiny rings. Diamond rings at never-to-berepeated prices. And they’re all going out the door! I’m virtually giving them away. Yes, come into my store and let me give you rings.

That’s right, I’m talking to you, sir and madam. Unpretentious middle New Zealanders, honest, simple, hard-working salt-of-theearth Westfield shoppers. That’s how I’ve built my business – on high-volume turnover from high volumes of people just like you.

You buy my bling, I go ‘‘kerching!’’

So rush, rush, rush into my store. Bring your cash and, if you must, your jandals. Your money’s as good as anyone else’s.

I wouldn’t be where I amtoday if wasn’t for you.

And speaking of where I am today:

Hello! Michael Hill, Arrowtown landowner. It’s 2016 and I have too many neighbours. Too many neighbours and too many tourists and they all must go.

Well, maybe not all of them. A few can stay. The quality ones. The well-heeled ones. The tourists who spend five times more than the normal tourist. Those sort of people.

The sort of people, when you think about it, whose first choice of quality jewellery purveyor may not necessarily be a couple of opento-foot-traffic glass counters placed mid-mall between a Just Cuts and a Bed, Bath and Beyond.

The sort of people, in fact, who may well prefer to pick their ring in the window at Tiffany’s.

Those sort of people can stay here in Arrowtown. They’re my kind of people. For them my door is always open.

Not my actual door, of course. Fat chance of even seeing that. Especially after I release the hounds.

But if I venture out onto the narrow main street of our besieged village, clogged as it is with the hoi-polloi, at least when I brush cashmere sweaters with these better class of people I won’t find myself gagging involuntarily. They’re the select few we want to see more of.

Also the cast of ‘‘The Bachelor’’, obviously. They’re welcome in Arrowtown any time. Talk about your classy.

For the rest of you – you middleof-the-bell-curve great unwashed, you huddled masses, you rankand-file riff-raff, proles and plebs, I have an exciting limited-time-only deal. We’re having a total clearance – of you! There’s too many of you here and you all must go! Rush, rush, away from Arrowtown.

Rush away from paradise and back to your hives, your hovels, your little boxes on the hillside and they’re all made of ticky-tacky.

Then rush, rush, rush to my store for down-to-earth prices on quality jewellery that you just won’t believe!

Because your type isn’t welcome here, but it is welcome there.