Moggy mugger Morgan ponders election failure

Alright listen to me you drongos, it’s time for a debrief. The Opportunities Party was the best party by far in the last election and yet we went down like a cup of cold vomit at a Karori wine-tasting. Personally I blame the typical Kiwi voter. Thick as pig manure. But you’re my campaign team, even though you’re all patently as useless as tits on a bull. What do you think?

Um, well, Leader, perhaps it was due to to funding issues.

Funding? Look at me. Look at me. You’re a dick. Don’t anyone talk to me about funding. I excreted money into this campaign until it hurt. Cleaned me out like an enema. Ha! Not really. I’ll have money coming out my arse for ever. Funding is not an issue. So can somebody tell me – wait a minute! What’s this on my phone? What? Jacinda Ardern’s cat’s been run over?

Yes sir, breaking news. It’s rather sad.

Bugger sad. Stupid is what it is. I need to tweet! How’s this: ‘‘You silly cow! You shouldn’t have let it -’’ What? What are you all looking at?

Please. Leader. I – we all would urge restraint.

Alright then, I’ll think about it. Might find a way of getting in ‘‘lipstick on a pig’’. Right now, I need reasons why the party I fronted every day for six weeks of campaigning didn’t get 15 or 20 seats. There must be something. Something obvious.

Well, Leader, perhaps the voters didn’t understand our policies.

If that’s true it’s because they’re as thick as pig manure. Like I said. Weren’t you listening? No, there’s nothing wrong with our policies that anyone with half a brain would – wait! Look at this! So help me, everyone’s going bananas about bloody Paddles the Cat! Who calls a cat ‘Paddles’ anyway? Only good name for a cat is ‘‘Hey you,

look here, at the gun’’. Put down the phone, Leader. Don’t make any rash moves…

Okay, fine! Don’t get your knickers in a twist! But I need you lot to think! Right now you’re being about as useful as an obsessive-compulsive mitten-wearer at a nose-picking competition, so snap out of it. We had the funding, we had the policies. What else makes people vote? Or put it another way, not vote. Why would someone look at a TOP billboard and say ‘‘yeah-nah’’. Well, Leader...

No, no, I can’t stand it anymore! All this ridiculous palaver over a

cat! I have to tweet! No, Leader, please, it’s only just happened –

Shut up! I’m typing. Bloody cats! Here goes: ‘‘Was it out and about wandering? If so does this reflect the value the PM puts on NZ wildlife?’’ Aaaand – sent. Ohhh that feels good. What? What are you all looking at? Nothing, Leader…

Right then. One last time: why didn’t people vote for TOP? It’s like the answer’s right in front us. On the tip of my tongue. As plain as the nose on my face. But I just can’t see it. Why? Bloody why? Come on! Anyone? Anyone?