MAFS expert wants to make change
Relationship guru Tony Jones is unfazed that there have been more failures than successes, finds Bridget Jones.
The day he was asked to help 12 single Kiwis find love on Married at First Sight, Tony Jones was busy trying to find safe homes for five children in need.
He immediately turned the offer down, but reconsidered 10 minutes later. Not because his diary had suddenly cleared or because he wanted to be famous. But because he thought, ‘‘what’s the worst that can happen?’’
Jones was a smart pick by the producers. Young – he’s 36 – goodlooking, a family man with a decade of marriage under his belt, a second child on the way and more than 12 years as a relationship counsellor. He’s English by birth, but as a former semi-professional rugby player, there was something audiences could easily connect with.
‘‘I’m pretty out there as far as counsellors go,’’ Jones says. ‘‘In Auckland, as a male, I don’t think there are many of us out there under the age of 70.’’
More than anything though, he wanted to do some good. He is a crusader for better mental health care. He thinks the current system is full of holes and blind spots and is failing young and old alike.
‘‘At the moment we’ve got a problem, and it’s really easy to talk about a problem, but nobody has a clue. There are no solutions out there,’’ he says.
As well as his private practice on Auckland’s Hibiscus Coast, Jones is also the head of guidance and counselling at two Auckland high schools. It’s a rewarding job, but he certainly sees the worst of what it can be like to grow up in New Zealand. And it takes a toll.
‘‘There’s power that comes with being an adult, to have choices and options. But to counsel a child or a teenager who has no autonomy, who you know is going to go back, they are going to be electrocuted or beaten or sexually assaulted, knowing that’s going to happen is highly complex. And that’s what school counsellors do every day with almost no help or support.
‘‘That’s why there is a ridiculous burn-out rate for mental health professionals.
‘‘[For me] it’s just passion about what I do and knowing I can make a difference. People say why would you do that, why on earth would you work in that area? And I say, why would you not?’’ Ultimately, being a part of
Married at First Sight was a way to start to change the conversation around mental health, and especially the role and stereotype of counsellors. It didn’t matter what sort of feedback he got from signing up, as long as someone listened.
‘‘If there are 10 people watching, and seven of them have a b .... and a moan, I’m OK and strong enough within myself to not care.
‘‘But if there are three people who are going through almighty cr.. and wouldn’t reach out normally because they believe this stereotype [of counsellors]... If those people access help – and know how to access it – then it’s worth it.’’
Is it worth damaging his professional reputation, though? Obviously, no one can deny the show has had some disappointments – only three of the six couples have made it to the final week.
‘‘I know what I’ve done, the couples know what I’ve done, the powers that be know what I’ve done, and so reputation-wise, if it means I’m not a counsellor after this, I can live with that,’’ he says.
‘‘If it costs me my reputation, and I’m not being a martyr, but if 1 per cent of the people watching see a counsellor or make a change, I’m fine with that.’’
Jones started helping other people as a ‘‘very young fella’’ – 16 – when he signed up to work with the families of children with significant challenges and disabilities. It was his mum’s idea – he was a little wayward and she started a respite scheme for parents. Jones soon got a reputation as someone to count on. ‘‘I wasn’t planning to be a counsellor. I liked working with families and supporting them and the young ones. They didn’t choose the situation they were in. I’ve always been passionate about that.’’
Before he started his practice, Jones trained as a teacher, and was a police officer in the UK. Both jobs opened his eyes to the world around him. ‘‘I’ve knocked on the door of parents who have lost their child, I’ve been to scenes and done stuff that you don’t learn about at university. When you have to go and knock on the door of a family and tell them the news of a child or adult’s death, or when you get that call, and there’s the bluebottles [flies] and the person hasn’t been seen for three weeks, and you are the one who’s going to force the door…’’
Despite the hard times, Jones still calls being in the police the best job he’s ever had.
‘‘And there’s a lot of that that comes into how I work and why I do it.’’
He had watched
before signing up – maybe it’s the teacher in him, making sure his homework was done – but he didn’t realise how little the show was edited to create drama.
‘‘I thought [the couples] couldn’t possibly behave like this… [now] I know you don’t have to [edit]. You put relationships, cameras, people and lighting in the same room with raw emotions and you just sit back. It’s absolute, a real-time lesson in psychology and human behaviour. You see it all play out and that’s been fascinating – and tiring.’’
When he started working on the show, the time he put in, the hours and authenticity consumed him. ‘‘It’s absolutely the first thing people ask me about.’’ Before he met the singles, he had been studying their profiles and watching videos of them for months.
‘‘And then you got into it and it was like, woah. The ups and the downs and the changes, it was so condensed. And then it’s the respect for the environment they are in, and what they are doing.
‘‘I was involved with these people every single day. There was that time of putting out fires and celebrating successes, then it became absolute support.’’
Television isn’t Jones’ scene. He says it is ‘‘definitely’’ some of the participants’ happy place, but he finds it tough.
‘‘I’m a very private person,’’ he says. ‘‘When I went into this, I thought, ‘oh this will be interesting’. And if I didn’t do it, someone who might not have been as passionate about people might have.’’
After all, what’s the worst that can happen?