Training to be a ninja warrior hard work
It’s been a huge hit on Aussie TV and now it’s coming here. But what happens when a reporter and a Bachelor take on the infamous assault course at the heart of Australian Ninja Warrior? Glenn McConnell finds out.
Art Green and I share one similarity - the blood on our hands. That blood, and our invitations to an Auckland trampoline park, unites us. For the next few hours this park will be filled with media types looking to become warriors. TV channel Three’s ninja school is officially in session.
Some kids who’ve taken to the course of their own free will are cleared off. Now it’s time for the TV people to have a go.
The course, we’re advised, has been completed by a total of 10 people. Given many of us are wearing denim for the occasion, I doubt the 11th victor is among us.
At the start, this seemed like a good idea. As a Stuff reporter, I’d get to jump on trampolines and climb up walls. Nothing too hard, I thought. They’d even pay for my taxi. But days later, I’m still paying for my actions with rusty joints. Being a ninja is hard work. In the Australian version of
Ninja Warrior, they wear budgie smugglers and swing mid-air between ropes and tyres. In the North Shore, Auckland version – which we’re told is sort of comparable – I can’t even pull myself between two swinging metal poles. The experts are said to take the show extremely seriously. They train for years to be able to pull off the stunts expected during the show. Here, however, it looks like most of us are more accustomed to cafes than cardio.
A fellow writer wears jeans and a jacket, comedian Josh Thomson falls flat on his face despite dressing in ninja robes for the occasion. Even Green himself, a man who appears to spend everyday maintaining his wholesomeness and physique, fails to complete the task.
He sprints up an almost vertical skate ramp, pulls out his phone at the peak and films his plummet into a mushy air bag. That’s it for
The Bachelor‘s Green. With his daily Instagram pic sorted, and a cut hand needing First Aid, it’s time to head off.
The course comprises nets, moving monkey bars, slippery walls and miniature grips to swing between.
The real course, the one that has catapulted Australian Ninja
Warrior to be one of Australia’s most popular shows, is a tropical rainforest compared to this little jungle gym.
An Olympian and Australian high jump champion have taken on the contest so far. Anyone who can’t suspend themselves mid-air, holding themselves with one arm in a right angle, shouldn’t even bother trying out.
Yet here we are, at Ninja
Warrior school. It took me more than five minutes to pull myself across the cursed yellow swinging bars. It takes the champions only four and a half minutes to get through the course on TV.
That incredible strength has pulled in more than 1.5 million viewers in Australia. The concept is tried and proven, coming from
American Ninja Warrior and previously the Japanese game show Sasuke.
If this show ever makes it to New Zealand, will I be trying out? Most certainly not. But if even Green didn’t get through ninja school, at least I can sleep easy at night with my ego only slightly bruised – even if these scabs on my hands show no sign of healing.
❚ Ninja Warrior, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, 7.30pm on Three.