Confessions ofaplane grump
Keep behind the line at the bag carousel, plus other tips for a stress-free airport experience from Lorna Thornber.
It was the stuff of travel nightmares. A 5am wake-up call followed by a trip to the airport made torturously slow by roadworks reducing the the highway to a single lane followed by sad resignation that I was travelling with a budget airline without self-service kiosks and would lose at least an hour at check-in.
And then I realised Iwas behind a troupe of Frenchmen apparently oblivious to one of the fundamental laws of baggage etiquette. Do not overpack.
Spreading out their four suitcases across the floor, squashing several jandalled feet in the process, they rearranged the contents, zipped them back up again, returned them to the scales and wondered aloud how they’d managed to gain so much weight in so little time.
I felt my blood boil. If Imissed my flight, I wanted to sue them personally. Yes, I understand how hard it can be deciding what to leave behind on holiday, particularly if it’s a long trip. But you have to. In the interests of restoring order at our airports this summer, here’s a quick guide to the worst baggage offenders (and how to avoid being one).
The one with the oversized carry-on
These travellers know just as well as you and I the size and weight limits for carry-on bags. They just think the rules don’t apply to them. They hope that charm, persuasion, stealth or feigning ignorance will get them past the guards at the gates with their enormous bags.
The airlines are partly to blame. Their extra charges for checked baggage are the reason many of us are forced to get by for aweek with what we can cram into aMini Me-sized suitcase.
But those who flout the rules are essentially saying that they are entitled to more, that they can’t be expected to survive a whole flight, let alone a whole holiday, with just seven kilos of stuff like the rest of us.
Don’t let them get away with it. Dob them into the steward if you must: It’s in the communal interest of the cabin. Their extralarge bag means less space for yours and mine; the chances of our precious gadgetry or duty-free alcohol getting squashed increases dramatically.
The one who ‘forgets’ about prohibited items
If you don’t know hairspray, tweezers and – in the case of international flights – liquids over 100ml aren’t allowed on planes by now then you’re either an ignoramus or so clueless to the conventions of modern travel that you shouldn’t be allowed to do so on your own.
And yet I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been delayed in security because of people who ‘‘forget’’ to remove such items from their bags. Ditto those who don’t remove their large electronic devices before they get to the trays.
A little foresight and preparation goes a long way to ensuring you and everyone behind you isn’t held up.
The one who ‘forgets’ about their temporary hump
The last thing anyone needs to start or end their holiday is a slap in the face with a giant backpack. Or a small one in fact. And yet I witness this form of physical assault almost every time I set foot on a plane. It has to stop.
Take off your backpack before you enter a confined space and carry it in front of you. If you don’t, you risk causing serious injury. To the sick, the elderly, the non-adult, the muscle-bound and easily enraged…
Suitcase-rollers also need to be mindful of those around them. Everyone’s in a hurry. Because you need to get to your gate pronto does not entitle you to run over your fellow travellers’ toes.
The space hog
On a recent domestic flight I arrived at my seat to find my neighbour’s large duffle bag was taking up at least half my legroom. ‘‘You don’t mind do you?’’ he inquired, admittedly politely. ‘‘There’s no room for it in the overhead locker.’’ This guy was a double offender it seemed: an oversized baggage carrier and a space hog.
Those of us condemned to travel in cattle class do not need another passenger’s stuff cramping our style still further. I glared at him for a few seconds before saying, through cowardliness more than politeness, that it was OK.
He could see I wasn’t happy though so, after we’d taken off he propped his up by the window. It was encouraging, I suppose, to be reminded that those who commit sins of baggage etiquette may be willing to redeem themselves if you alert them to those sins.
The human barricade at the baggage carousel
He or she who blocks access to the baggage carousel is akin to a guard at heaven’s gate denying some poor soul entry and leaving them to an afterlife in limbo. That final passage through the airport after a long flight can fairly be compared to Hades and only the truly masochistic would force others to spend a second longer there than they have to. So stay behind the yellow line and only step forward when your bag is actually approaching.
The child in charge of a wheelie suitcase
Small children and suitcases on wheels are a dangerous combo. My 5-year-old niece treats her ride-on case like a Flintstones-style dodgem: woe betide any unsuspecting traveller who stands in her way.
Older children can’t necessarily be trusted either. Many tweens have already developed the teenage capacity to stand in a crowded room and see only themselves, while still treating luggage on wheels like a form or transport or toy.
Unless you’re certain you can keep kids on the straight and narrow, it’s best to get them a backpack. Or teach them a lesson in getting by on the bare essentials and cram everyone’s stuff into the adults’ cases. They need to know, after all, that it’s an urban jungle out there. That only the cool, calm and conscientious survive – in crowded airports as in life – with sanity intact.