SANTA CLAUS

Interview: Dave Armstrong Image: Sharon Murdoch

Christmas is a busy time for us all, but over the next few days the busiest person on the planet will be someone at present at the North Pole. He is preparing to deliver millions of presents to deserving children around the world.

Mr Santa Claus has been doing the job for hundreds of years and has no plans to retire. ‘‘Life is good at the moment as I can do whatever I want. And thanks to Winston Peters, another famous superannuitant, I get free travel on the trains and buses, provided I don’t leave too early or come back too late. In those circumstances I just take the sleigh.’’

In a year where New Zealand, as well as Iceland, Canada, Austria and France, saw generational shift occur at the top, has it affected Santa’s workshop?

‘’Absolutely,’’ he exclaims. ‘‘The grotto was dominated by 5555-year-old elves but some of the younger 3737-year-olds elves reckoned they could run the place just as well. It turned out they were right.’’

‘‘The 5555 year olds were great with wooden toys but not so hot with technology. A child in Balclutha asked for an X-box yet an older elf plonked an iPad in my sack by mistake. Luckily one of the tech-savvy young 1006-year-old millenielfs sorted it out in no time.’’

Santa has noticed other changes in the world, and he embraces them. ‘‘The grotto used to have a terrible workplace safety record – almost as bad as New Zealand’s. The people from GOSH (Grotto Occupational Safety and Health) were coming over all the time with their clipboards.

‘The older elves couldn’t understand why they weren’t allowed to smoke their long pipes at work, and why they had to wear safety glasses in the workshop. Yet our safety record has gone through the chimney since the GOSH legislation. Workplace accidents and elf-harm have plummeted.’’

Santa is also very proud of his Grotto’s response to climate change. ‘‘With the melting of the polar ice-cap, I calculate that by 2070 we’ll have to close the grotto and move elsewhere. I feel a bit guilty given I used to enter houses through chimneys or, as our GOSH officials call them: wood-burning, air-polluting, global warming devices. I’m thinking of eventually gifting my grotto site to Victoria University of Wellington who can then on-sell it to a private buyer for a massive profit.

‘‘But the good news on chimneys is that some of our clever millennielves have designed a way I can enter houses through solar panels and doubleglazed windows. And because of climate change I will no longer be leaving a lump of coal at the bottom of stockings belonging to naughty children.

‘‘Luckily a number of US teen pop princesses have donated copies of their latest albums to give to young ones who have behaved badly. And children are still welcome to leave a bottle of beer and snack out for me on Christmas Eve. Given the length of my beard, you’ll understand that I really enjoy craft beer.’’

The use of email and Skype rather than letter for present requests has also greatly cut down Santa’s carbon boot-print and saved more than a few rain forests.

Santa’s mode of transport will please climate activists. ‘‘Apart from a tiny bit of methane from my flying reindeers, sleigh travel is clean, green and efficient, just like Wellington’s amazing new electric buses – that will be on the streets just as soon as someone gets around to inventing them.’’

However, Santa’s nine reindeer were the focus of some aggrieved Arctic conservationists recently.

‘‘At my summer house in Lappland, I put the reindeers out to graze in a paddock by the river, Prancer and Dancer were seen doing their business in the river and the locals kicked up a stink and accused me of dirty reindeerying.

‘‘So I planted a few trees by the river, reined in the reindeer so they didn’t wander off, and it made all the difference.’’

Though entrepreneurs want Santa to expand his reindeer herd, he isn’t keen.

‘‘One of your Fonterra blokes reckoned the reindeer milk market in Mongolia was going through the roof.

‘‘He reckoned with a bit of genetic modification from Monsanto I could have 400 reindeer on my property and produce thousands of litres of high fat, reindeer milk. But I told him I only needed nine reindeer for the sleigh. He looked at me like I was insane.’’

So have children changed over the years? Santa smiles.

‘‘Not really. It’s still much the same proportion of naughty and nice. And as much as I admire the amount of money and effort it takes to provide the constant updates I receive about the behaviour of New Zealand children from Five Eyes, the GCSB and the SIS, there’s really no need. Santa always knows how children have behaved and I’m sure the money could be spent on something far more useful.’’

Have requests for presents changed over the years?

Santa laughs. ‘‘You know, kids all want much the same things, though the parents have more input nowadays. Guns are off limits and I don’t have boys’ and girls’ sacks anymore. Many of my new gender-fluid, non-ethno-specific presents which avoid stereotyping or hetero-normative tropes are going down a treat.’’

Santa also appreciates the increasing social tolerance he has witnessed this year. ‘‘I predicted New Zealand would embrace gay marriage but Australia? We were so impressed by the Aussies that up at the grotto I sponsored Santa’s Ho-HoHomosexual Law Reform Bill. I mean, we’ve all known about Rudolph and Dasher for years so it was wonderful to officiate at their wedding. We’ve greatly reduced homophobia, and gnomophobia, and our ElfGBTI community is delighted.’’

So what does Santa himself want for Christmas?

‘‘Same as every year: people to enjoy friends and family. I want everyone to be tolerant and loving and to focus on each other more than any gifts.

‘‘If only I could put that in a sack and drop it down the chimney.’’

‘‘The good news on chimneys is that some of our clever millennielves have designed a way I can enter houses through solar panels and double-glazed windows.’’