It’s OK, there will always be Dancing with the Stars
Judith Collins absolutely has to win the National Party leadership contest if only to supply excellent fodder for the brilliant political satire of Crusher Collins’ impersonator, Tom Sainsbury.
Sainsbury’s hilarious postings of ‘Paula Binnett’, ‘Sumon Brudges’ and Crusher Collins have hit the spot and brought a younger audience to politics. And admirers of Sainsbury’s monologues, especially of Binnett, will be hoping like mad that Mrs Bennett continues in the deputy leadership role.
For anyone unfamiliar with Sainsbury’s oeuvre, his prescient monologue of Crusher attending the races cuts to the heart of her style in the current leadership contest. Wearing a slightly dishevelled, cheap blonde wig plonked on his head, Sainsbury’s Crusher confesses her liking for blood sport – ‘‘the more violent and brutal the better’’.
Sainsbury’s Crusher confides she is a big fan of cage, dog, cock and bull-fighting, lamenting its scarcity at this time of year – unless you know where to look. Blood is what she’s after, the more of it the better.
In real life, Crusher announced her bid for the National Party leadership role via a tweet, a la Trump style. Meanwhile old school television news watchers (all three of us) observed the dainty announcement of Amy Adams’ bid for the leadership in the rose garden, with Madam Adams flanked by her court attendants – Maggie Barry, Chris Bishop, Tim Macindoe and Nikki Kaye.
This enraged Crusher, who called line out!, declaring that the PDA (Public Display of Affection) by Adams’ entourage for their putative leader was a rule breaker.
Crusher says she loves a good fight; however, it was a moot point as to whether Adams and her entourage had flouted the rules of caucus in such matters. But it revealed factional splits, a big no-no in a party that has prided itself on in-house discipline.
Bull Unglush (as Sainsbury calls him) would not have been impressed. And where was the great strategist and disciplinarian Steven Joyce? Possibly too busy plotting his own campaign bid for leadership to worry about reining in flouters of house rules that make them look like troublemakers.
However, the blood-letting did suck up a tiny bit of the Government’s oxygen, till the prime minister, as one commentator described it, ‘‘beat off’’ other world famous females to appear in Vogue magazine.
Joining the ranks of Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama and Theresa May, the Vogue piece anointed Ardern as ‘‘The Anti Trump’’.
As the outgoing National Party leader, Bill English, joked that the only job offer he had received since his resignation was something from a pizza parlour, the Anti Trump looked like she was moonlighting as a model for Secular America’s Next Top Model.
A designer-coated and bumpfree PM was snapped against a moody background of sea and an outline of hills that made her look like the female equivalent of Poldark. This image prompted Vogue magazine to liken her to ‘‘the new Borgen’’.
Speaking of second careers, former UnitedFuture leader Peter Dunne has settled nicely into the role of media commentator, appearing on The Project. Now he may feel threatened and possibly out-trumped by English, should the retired leader choose to become the media go-to guy.
Talent agents should be thinking about signing both Dunne and English under the umbrella of Ex Factors.
Reinventing yourself so you can still stay in the saddle is the name of the game as you limp toward the finish line of retirement age. Obviously ACT leader David Seymour was thinking ahead to the day he is put out to pasture, when he signed on for hoofing it on Dancing with the Stars.
The man behind the euthanasia bill may secretly be good for a bit of murder on the dance floor. Or Seymour could finish himself off with the swagger and stagger of a death by a thousand cuts in the manner of his predecessor, Rodney Hide aka ‘Rawhide’.
Seymour’s announcement will force the hand of DWTS to release the cast list of this year’s celebrity dancers. At the time of writing, this scribbler wasn’t privy to that list, but dollars for donuts surely former Seven Sharp host Toni Street will be a contender?
Gals-next-door are always dead certs for reality TV shows and Street always won hands down when called upon to compete with her unco co-host Mike Hosking. Alison Mau has hung up her spade on MediaWorks’ afternoon drivetime show and may be a late entrant, but her height would be a problem in matching her with a dance partner. And she’s probably too classy to slum it in on reality TV.
But look out for Kiwi ballroom dancer and judge Brendan Cole, recently axed from his judging role on the British version of Strictly Come Dancing. Cole did dastardly diva time on that show for 15 long years.
And with five series of DWTS NZ service under his grinding belt, Cole may have been on the phone touting for work Down Under as dance partner or back on the judges’ bench. Whoever shows up for work, let the temperatures drop and the sequinned games begin.