Key, then English, then Joyce - experience counts

If experience counts, then Steven Joyce is National’s next leader. If knowing where the bodies are buried matters, then Joyce is king.

If knowing what National stands for (power), then Joyce is your man.

And, if you need a target for a flying sex toy, then Joyce is your only option.

If the transfer of power from Sir John Key to Bill English is to follow a natural and conservative course then Joyce should be anointed the next National Party leader on Tuesday.

But hold on. Not so quick. The young and the politically restless want their slice of the action and so too does Judith ‘‘stab me in the front’’ Collins.

This is her first and last chance to run the show and, for the others, they’ve had to wait 10 years for this window of opportunity to be opened wide.

She’s all on. Don’t believe the spin that this is a cup of tea between ambitious friends. And I haven’t mentioned Paula Bennett yet. Who needs enemies in Labour with friends like this in their own party?

Factions, splits, knives in the back, can you believe people line up for this hellish audition and the prize: the worst job in politics?

So here’s my solution. Joyce and co must spend this weekend striking a deal to avoid blood on the floor this Tuesday. Rubberstamp it, move on and focus on the real enemy.

Voters rarely like blood in their politics. Smooth transitions and political niceties seem to be popular these days. Think Andrew Little’s skip pass to Jacinda Ardern and Key’s to English.

So Joyce becomes leader, Collins his barking deputy dog; imagine getting past that gatekeeper. Amy Adams gets finance and Simon Bridges gets a host of economic and legal portfolios. Mark Mitchell does foreign affairs and defence and the top 5 looks formidable. They’ll fight for the job again in time.

But Joyce and Collins are a combination for the times.

Crucially, Joyce is a contrast to Ardern. He’s an older, safe economic dry. Hugely competent, he has a sense of humour, as when he said yesterday to Mark Sainsbury on Radio Live, ‘‘I’m the man for the job because I’m an experienced wise head against a young inexperienced Government that has no idea what it’s doing, hence the need for all the inquiries. They’re having inquiries to find out what to do.’’

Joyce won’t excite or look amazing on page 3 of Woman’s Day and that’s his point. He’s the contrast candidate. The conservative choice to appeal to National’s base and those who don’t want the student union running the country.

National’s next leader may just

Steven Joyce won't excite or look amazing on page 3 of Woman's Day and that's his point. He's the contrast candidate.

be a night-watchman but you never know, in politics anything can happen. Who thought Labour would be in Government before the last election? Only Winston Peters knew that.

Strike a deal – the zoologist, millionaire businessman Joyce and the rest fall in behind.

Something tells me the other four pretenders are giving me the middle finger.

National’s next leader is likely to be a footnote in history but chuck in an economic slowdown and an inexperienced Government struggling to cope and explain; then Joyce may just have a show.

It might be somewhere between a no-show and a s...-show but one thing is certain, Joyce won’t be a train wreck. And he would never be sorry for being a man.

Never say never.