Why you will find that odd sock the day after you threw out its mate
Good ole Them. They always have a lot to say. One of those things They say is that nothing is certain except death and taxes. In this instance, They are incorrect because there are plenty of other items to be added to that list.
For instance, one of life’s inevitabilities is that you will never, ever, remember to buy a replacement lightbulb at the supermarket until you have been to said supermarket at least half a dozen times. Even then, you will only remember because one or more lightbulbs will have blown in the interim and your house is almost completely in darkness.
Next, you will be so proud of yourself because not only have you remembered to buy the light bulbs you need, but also extra light bulbs so this does not happen again. (Even though it will happen again).
The next certainty is that you will arrive home to discover you’ve bought all bayonet when you needed screw-ins. Or vice versa.
Cold sore sufferers will understand this inevitability. Cold sore cream is expensive and only comes in tiny tubes. You will use it once, put it somewhere ‘‘very special so you don’t lose it’’ and you will never find it again. Years after expiration dates, you will find those four tiny tubes. And not somewhere ‘‘special and safe’’ after all.
It is also a certainty that you will never remember to pack dental floss when going anywhere on holiday and that this holiday will include a pork chop which will get stuck in your teeth, or a raspberry seed.
On the subject of sweeties. You will never get two of the lollies you really like in a lolly mixture, you will only get one. And when you offer the bag to a friend and say ‘‘take whatever you like’’, they will take that one and you will have to swallow your sadness along with the remaining green wine gum.
You may clear your all your outstanding bills and have a short period of financial freedom. The following week your car will break down or you will need to go to the dentist or take a pet to the vet.
For the working parent, a child will inevitability get sick on the one day you cannot move an important appointment.
Just as you decide you will definitely go to see that movie, it will no longer be playing at any local cinema. If it is, it will not be at a time convenient to you.
The week after you chuck out an odd earring or sock, you will find its mate. It does not matter how long you’ve kept the single earring or sock for time means nothing under this rule of life.
When your washing line is full, it will rain. When you have watered the lawn, it will rain.
If you wear a white shirt, you will get laksa on it. Wear a black shirt, you will get toothpaste on it.
If you decide not to shave or wax or wear nice undies before a date, you will have made the wrong decision.
The one time you decide to go all out on Christmas gifts will inevitably be the year everyone else decides ‘‘actually let’s just be really simple this year and only do $5 Secret Santa and just for the kids’’.
If you wear a white shirt, you will get laksa on it. Wear a black shirt, you will get toothpaste on it.
The minute you let your car insurance lapse, you will be involved in an accident.
If you tell a social white lie to avoid seeing people, you will run into them.
My friend Jolisa says her latest inevitability was that exactly one minute after she printed out and carefully cut up 500 flyers to post in nearby letterboxes asking about her two missing cats, her neighbour (who she had already asked) knocked on her door saying ‘‘actually, I think they have been in my garage this whole time’’.
In this instance, she says, you cannot be grumpy because cats are silly and the story he tells of their discovery was so sweet.
‘‘He figured it out because a visiting grandchild said how nice it was to hear cats singing all night through the wall of his bedroom’’.
Now, everyone, write ‘‘lightbulbs’’ on your grocery list.