Respect the key as boys become men
A letter from a mother, to all the young men and boys out there...
Iam a mother. I have three incredible children whom I adore – two daughters and a son – all fast approaching adulthood. I am also a doctor, working in a sexual assault service as well as my ‘‘day job’’ at a student health clinic.
Over the many years I have worked in this field, I have met almost every type of sexual assault survivor you could imagine – young women, young men, older people, people of all sexualities and genders. People from all backgrounds, demographics and cultures.
Although we see a whole spectrum of people who have been harmed by sexual assault, the people who are responsible for inflicting this harm are nearly always men, and often young men like you, just starting out on their adult lives.
I suspect the men who carry out these awful crimes don’t ever think, or care, about the impact on the other person. They don’t consider that this type of harm can stay with people for life.
I don’t want to imply that it always has that impact, because it doesn’t: I have come across many people who have somehow managed to find the strength to move past the trauma, and even at times have used the experience to reach out and support others. I applaud their resilience. But often, this is not the case – the damage inflicted by a sexual assault can impact on trust and intimacy, making future relationships difficult, at times impossible. It can create deep insecurity and fear. Imagine not feeling safe just walking to the bus stop, or home from work after a drink with your friends, something you have previously taken completely for granted?
It can lead to alcohol and drug misuse, as people try to ‘‘medicate’’ themselves and escape the emotions they are experiencing. It can lead to pregnancy, infections, promiscuity or the other end of the spectrum where sex or even physical contact is abhorrent and unimaginable.
Home, family, friendships, study and school can all be affected.
As my children have grown up they have had to get used to me being called out to do this work at all sorts of times, day and night. This has been a big sacrifice for my family, but as well as being frustrating for them from time to time, I do hope it has taught them some things along the way, wisdom I would like to share with you:
❚ Sexual violence and harm can happen to any one, at any time – it doesn’t matter whether they are someone you know, someone you have previously been in a relationship with, a friend, a family member, or a complete stranger – if you have sexual contact with them without their consent it is never OK. If you imagine how you would like your sister or best friend to be treated in a relationship, then I urge you to treat every person you come into sexual contact with in your life with the same level of respect and care.
❚ If someone is drunk, incapacitated, unwell or for some other reason is not in a state to say a big, enthusiastic ‘‘Yes’’ then they haven’t consented. This means you need to stop.
❚ Just because you might have had consensual sex with that person before, doesn’t mean that you can expect to have sex with them again, at any stage, ever, or in any way, without checking in with them first.
❚ Everyone has the right to change their mind about who, how and when they want to have sex – yes, this might feel frustrating at the time, but you HAVE to respect that right
❚ People should be able to wear what they want, and drink as much as they like, and still be safe. You or your friends probably go out partying from time to time. If you choose to get drunk or behave in a certain manner, it doesn’t mean you are ‘‘asking for sex’’. I’d love to think that we live in a community where young women too can experiment with alcohol if they want to and expect to make it home safely. Yes, alcohol is associated with lots of the sexual harm we see – but this doesn’t mean that avoiding alcohol completely is the solution, or that the person who was drinking is to blame. Regardless of how someone chooses to dress or behave, they never ‘‘deserve’’ to be sexually assaulted and it is never their fault.
❚ If you see behaviour that you know in your heart isn’t right, even if it is one of your mates, call it out. I know that is an incredibly hard thing to do, but the ‘‘prelude’’ or buildup to most sexual assaults often occurs in a public place (a bar, party or house), and stepping in at this early stage can make all the difference to not only the victim but also the perpetrator.
As I watch my daughters grow up, I am proud they are confident enough to speak out about this important issue. They hope, as I do, that one day there will be a world that is free of sexual violence – but for that to happen, it will need every one of you young men to step up and hope for it as well.
And as I look at my son embarking on his first relationship, I know that he ‘‘gets it’’ – he and his girlfriend have such huge respect for each other, they communicate, listen and care, and surely if we all did that we wouldn’t be facing this huge legacy of harm to women?
Boys and young men of New Zealand, I look forward to seeing how you and your peers grow up and make this change in our world – you have a crucial role to play. Be a role model for your peers, and behave in a way that honours and respects everyone, all the time. And if you see behaviours that you know aren’t right: Be brave, speak out. You can be the change too.
❚ Dr Cathy Stephenson is a GP and mother of three.