That’s not cricket, mate

Detainees at the Christmas Island Immigration Detention Centre have thrown their support behind Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, who this week described his disgust and outrage at revelations of cheating by the Australian cricket team.

In a press release the asylum seekers – incarcerated indefinitely and without trial on Christmas Island at the behest of the Australian Government – echoed Mr Turnbull’s feelings of ‘‘shock and disappointment’’ at the actions of his fellow Australians.

The detainees added that the Australian cricketers ball-tampering was ‘‘surely one of the darkest episodes in recent Australian history’’.

‘‘We were under the impression that Australia was a civilised society’’ reads the press release, which was hastily scrawled on the wrapper of a care package and smuggled out of the detention centre.

‘‘Even as were being roughed up by the guards and told we would be here indefinitely, we always knew that Australia at heart was a fair and decent place. A place where a batsman would always be afforded a fair suck of the sav and never denied the basic human right of being bowled a fair ball, adulterated by only by good honest spit and a decent rub in the groin area.’’

‘‘But what we’ve learned this week changes all that. This is not the Australia we dreamed of.’’

Meanwhile in New Zealand as the hunt goes on for nefarious Russians to kick out of the country, the SIS is focussing its attention on Wellingtonbased Andrei-Dmitry Kalashnikov, deputy agricultural attache to the Russian Embassy and keen social-grade left-arm around the wicket spin bowler.

‘‘We can’t say Kalashnikov’s a spy,’’ the SIS reports, ‘‘but on the other hand last weekend playing for Karori he did take an unbelievable seven wickets for nineteen runs on a pitch that until then was offering no turn whatsoever.

‘‘And we have CCTV footage of him in the sandpaper department of Mitre 10 the day before.

‘‘Join the dots.’’

‘‘Like we say, it may not be spying exactly, but it’s as dodgy as all get-out.’’

The Russian ambassador has poohpoohed the accusations of cheating, claiming that ‘‘such feats of leather upon willow are common in the Motherland’’.

‘‘Just look at President Putin’s bowling record as captain of the Moscow Grizzlies T20 team. I refer you in particular to his glorious personal best of nine wickets for seven runs, which he is very much looking forward to achieving this weekend.’’

And as Steven Joyce retires from Parliament this week explosive new evidence suggests that unsporting play may have been to blame for his infamous dismissal by a full-tossed dildo.

Joyce was badly caught out on the back foot by the medium-paced delivery which described a sharp reverse swing before hitting him square on the chops. Now a close-up forensic examination has revealed that part of the sex-toy had been continually rubbed, resulting in an unnaturally shiny surface that caused it to change direction in mid-air.

Questioned, the dildo-tosser denied ball-tampering.