Men share experiences of asking for support

In the final of a four-part series about family violence, Deena Coster talks to men who knew it was time to ask for assistance.

John knew violence was wrong and he didn’t want to go there again.

‘‘I needed help. I wanted to get help to make sure I could raise my daughter in a safe environment.’’

At the time, the New Plymouth’s man’s relationship was in turmoil, not helped in any way by each party’s heavy dependence on cannabis.

Police and social services were also involved.

‘‘It was really ugly.’’

John is not the man’s real name. The Press agreed not to use his actual name, or those of the other men in this story, to protect their privacy.

John remembers walking on eggshells and trying to avoid fights, but the when things blew up, they exploded.

Big fights sometimes ended with the house getting smashed up.

It did turn physical too.

He has twice been convicted of assaulting his former partner, the most recent in October 2017.

He says he tried to get help for both of them but it didn’t happen.

‘‘I wasn’t going to put up with it. It was a mess.’’

He says counselling through the Aspire’s Men Project has helped him.

The programme is based at the Taranaki Women’s Refuge and provides men with opportunities to make positive changes regarding their behaviour in relationships.

One-on-one sessions gave him someone to ‘‘rant to’’, he says, instead of sharing the ‘‘heavy stuff’’ he had going on with family and friends.

‘‘They don’t know what to do with it.’’

Craig, a father of one, reached out for support from the project after ‘‘going through a bit of crap’’ in the Family Court, dealing with a custody battle over his son following a break-up with his partner.

‘‘It got pretty nasty where we both did wrong,’’ he says.

The abuse was 99 per cent verbal, but he did lash out at one point in frustration.

He realised he needed to do something before things got out of hand, so referred himself to the Aspire Men’s Project at the end of last year.

Through his sessions he says he learnt new techniques and tools to cope with his feelings.

He also thinks the counselling has taught him patience, a virtue which has helped him become a better father.

Craig is also getting along better with his ex-partner and says their relationship is the best it has ever been.

Sharing emotions, weaknesses or frailties is not something that is commonly associated with males, says another attendee of the Aspire Men’s Project.

‘‘Men don’t know what feelings are,’’ he says.

‘‘I’m quite aware of how much support there isn’t for men. It’s quite lonely.’’ Father going through custody battle

The support for men in the community is sparse when compared to what is out there for women, he says.

‘‘I’m quite aware of how much support there isn’t for men. It’s quite lonely.’’

Getting counselling has helped him figure out why he carries such anger or resentment and to deal with his emotions.

One of the issues he had been recently working on in counselling focused on jealousy.

His worry and fear had started to affect him but he now felt he understood where it was coming from.

‘‘At the end of the day I didn’t want to be lonely.’’

Sometimes it didn’t take very much for the balance to shift in people’s lives, he says, and for things to tip over.

That’s why he ‘‘worked hard’’ at counselling.

For him it isn’t just about turning up, it is about actively learning the information which would help him navigate a better life.

‘‘I can get angry, I can argue and I can debate and I can also say I’m sorry.’’

❚ To inquire about the Aspire Men’s Project call 027 256 6142 or email admin@taranakiwomensrefuge.co.nz