Fighting for life
Lifeline saw a nationwide increase in calls, including suicide support calls, from 2016 to 2017. New Zealand has the highest youth suicide rate in the developed world, a Unicef report shows. Can we turn the tide? Megan Gattey reports on one girl’s story.
Jessie Stanners was the girl wearing the crazy purple pants at high school, the girl who didn’t give a crap what people thought of her. Except she did care. She cared a lot.
‘‘I cared so much what everyone thought of me because I was ... different,’’ she said.
Anxiety eventually overpowered her. On September 19, 2007, aged 17, Stanners tried to kill herself.
Jessie Stanners, in her own words:
Poor Mum. My biggest regret is what it did to her.
A mother finding her teenage daughter passed out is a pretty s... thing to deal with. But she was so incredibly strong.
I spent a couple of days in ICU. I remember just being really embarrassed – more so by the fact that everyone knew there was something ‘‘wrong’’ with me and that I was on watch.
But I also felt a sense of relief that everyone now knew what I was dealing with, and I could get looked after the way I needed to be.
I was referred to a psychologist, and given a steady dose of medication. It was here I was given coping mechanisms for getting through the tough days. I was shown both physical and mental strategies to deal with the panic attacks and episodes, and taught to focus on being able to see the other end of it all.
Where it all started
I grew up with the most loving whanau. I have three amazing siblings that I get along with like a house on fire – even more so now that I’m older, and parents-happily married and forever supportive.
Nothing was ever really that bad in my life to equate to me feeling like life wasn’t good enough. Nothing was wrong, and thankfully I wasn’t bullied.
But facing each individual day became harder. Even though there was nothing to fear, I felt vulnerable and the days rapidly became harder internally.
Even just getting dressed became a self-contained argument. I’d put something on that would actually look really cool, but I would convince myself, ‘‘you’re f...ing ugly’’, ‘‘you look stupid’’. The littlest of things would set off this overwhelming bout of anxiety, which meant I couldn’t leave my room, even if I really wanted to.
I knew deep down that long term, everything was going to be OK. But facing each and every s... day, the little things, the challenges of what my mind would throw at me, was so hard to bear.
Which is the main point of all of this, I guess. Everything can be OK but you can still be depressed. It’s the most frustrating thing.
What life is like now
Life is brilliant. I’m engaged to the most lovely man, I’ve got the cutest dog and a house I call home. Life is the best it’s ever been.
It’s kind of hard for me to remember how I felt back then because I’m so happy now.
Teen suicides are tough. These sons and daughters are just big kids still working themselves out, unaware of all the good, the weird and the wonderful yet to come.
I would love to say to teenagers that think they must go to university straight out of school, rack up a massive student loan and do something that society says they should: you don’t need to.
You actually just need to be happy.
I left school early and worked my ass off in cafes, bars and made my way up to management positions. I gained life skills, friends and many memories. Happy memories. I was happy.
At 26, I went back to study. I had found my calling without even searching.
Is the word suicide taboo?
I have seen the word suicide written more than ever recently. When I tried to kill myself, I don’t know if I’d ever really heard the word before.
Obviously I had, but it wasn’t thrown around like it is now, and I didn’t know of the levels of support or options that were available to help me out of that hole I was in because it just wasn’t talked about.
But now you see it all the time, which I think is bloody awesome. I think the majority of our society are OK with it.
I get that the word does hurt people.
There was a while after [my attempt] where for years, that word gave me the s...s. If someone mentioned that I’d done ‘‘that’’, I’d clam up, but now I’m like, ‘‘Throw that word around like confetti!’’
It’s not taboo in the family, but we don’t talk about it so much. It’s a little bit more personal.
But since I’ve talked about it openly in a public sense, Mum has quite openly said, ‘‘We’re so proud of you, we love you’’.
She can let go of that worry that it’s going to happen again.
Ending it for yourself
It is selfish [suicide]. I think I was selfish. I know that sounds awful, but you’re thinking about yourself.
You’re trying to end it for yourself. You’re not thinking, ‘‘F... you, Mum and Dad. I’m going to die to piss you off’’. You’re not thinking ‘stuff you’ to anyone but yourself.
What kept me going after that was my family. The fact that I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. I was trying to be selfless. I cared about everyone else more than I cared about myself. I wanted to die. Many times after that I wanted to be gone, but I stayed for them.
That’s not to say everyone who has committed suicide is selfish. They were hurting and they felt that it was their time to go. They needed to go, and that was their call, and that really sucks for everyone else around them.
It’s not selfish, but you are thinking about yourself.
When people find out
I’m not ashamed of it at all. It’s made me who I am.
A whole lot of people were going, ‘‘Holy s..., you’re the happiest person we know. I had absolutely no idea this had affected you.’’
The number of people that I’ve had come to me because they knew it was me that wrote about it is cool.
I would say 20-odd people have actually come to me, just to have a conversation like this – straight up telling them what they’re not going to hear from the doctor. More the reality of it all: that it’s going to be s ....
I think in the past year or two, open and healthy discussion about suicide and mental health has got a lot better. I don’t think it’s taboo, as such, any more. I think it’s still something that’s shied away from – whether that’s people that have had personal experiences that its still too sensitive, or other people who may not quite understand.
As you acknowledge your weakness, it takes away its power. It’s still there, but a load shared is a lot lighter.
When people hear the nitty, gritty, real stories of others that have been through these kinds of experiences, I think that has a strong and positive effect. If I had heard open and honest stories like that when I was in a bad place, I would’ve thought twice about doing what I did to my family.
The kiwi attitude
People come from so many different backgrounds. But we’re just total Kiwis in the sense that it’s like, ‘‘Oh, she’ll be right’’.
I grew up with people saying, ‘‘Oh, you’ll be right, you’ll be right, you’ll be fine’’. But actually, I wasn’t fine.
We need to push this tough, old fashioned mentality that discussing feelings isn’t normal and make way for 21st century compassion.
Marking 10 years since the attempt
Ten years is a long time. I think that’s awesome. I’m really glad that I got to stick around.
That’s 10 years I wouldn’t have got to live, learn, love and laugh. I’m really chuffed that I got to where I am today, and I cannot wait for what’s ahead.