Expect harsh answers on domestic abuse
Domestic violence is rife in New Zealand. When you ask if everything is OK, you need to be ready for when it’s not, writes Michelle Robinson.
What happens when you ask a friend how they are and their answer is more than the standard "good, thanks". What if you knew the answer would burden you, would you think twice before asking? I was out having drinks one night when I spotted a woman I knew across the room and went over for a chat. I didn’t know Georgia* well except that professionally she was a force to be reckoned with.
It shocked me to discover, then, that she had been emotionally and physically abused at home.
This was the answer my "how are you?" invited as we sat quietly chatting in a bar. It would be the only thing I would think of long after I went home. I had little choice. I was now involved. I messaged Georgia a while later, asking to meet for a coffee. In the hours we sat at her kitchen table, she described the harrowing early years of her young family’s life.
All along, this strong, intelligent, capable, independent woman was stalked and held captive by fear of a man she once loved.
I’m ashamed at my thought process here, but a part of me used to concede that perhaps it was those already downtrodden by life’s circumstances, those already living in hardship, those already lacking self-esteem, who succumbed to such a life. How very wrong I was.
It can take up to seven attempts before a survivor will leave an abusive relationship for good. The psychological, financial, social, emotional and physical control a perpetrator has over a person they’re abusing cannot be underestimated.
It’s rife in New Zealand.
Statistics tell us one in three Kiwi women are expected to experience partner violence in their lifetime. Police are called to one domestic incident every five minutes, on average, though the majority still go unreported.
Prisoners can’t free themselves, by themselves. The role of those in healthcare, social work, the legal and justice systems are pivotal in guiding survivors out of often life-threatening situations. But the role of rescuer doesn’t lie solely with them.
My generation grew up with the likes of the "It’s Not OK" campaigns. We’ve seen Once Were Warriors. I’m grateful for the law today that means I don’t even entertain the thought of smacking my kids.
We understand abuse and that it is wrong. But it still goes on.
One in three women is a lot. How many women do you know of who are in abusive relationships? I didn’t think I knew any. But then again, I hadn’t asked.
As difficult a question it is to ask, it must be far harder to answer. We may smile a lot more than we did in the old days, but we’re still a stoic society.
While everyone else is putting their best face forward on social media, it takes a lot of guts to pull off your mask and admit: actually, we’re not OK.
It takes vulnerability to answer honestly to the routine line of questioning during a health check, "sorry I have to ask this, but you’re not being abused, eh?"
Will Oranga Tamariki – Ministry for Children swoop in and take your children away? Will the police show up at your front door and arrest your partner? Will you have to go to court and face your extended family as you give evidence on why your family needs to part ways?
What a huge burden on already weighted shoulders.
In Georgia’s case, no-one swooped in to whisk her family away. But what she did receive was invaluable support and strength to do what she needed to for the benefit of herself and her family.
My husband and I heard fighting in our neighbourhood one night and the level of aggression concerned us. My husband wanted to head over and make sure everyone was alright. I stopped him. We both agreed to call the police. It was a situation out of the norm and it made us stop and think. And disagree and rethink.
It’s not always convenient or comfortable to look up from your immediate life and check in on others. The timing isn’t always right.
So before you ask, "how are you?" stop and think.
Am I ready to hear the answer?
* Name has been changed.
How many women do you know of who are in abusive relationships? I didn’t think I knew any. But then again, I hadn’t asked.