Real men are empathetic

Ithink New Zealand’s version of manliness has changed tenfold in the last 20 to 30 years. Many of us no longer consider the gumboot, stubbies and swanni-wearing, fixing-the-fencein-the-pouring-rain man to be manly. Yet there are still many men out there who feel they don’t fit because of society’s old school views of ‘‘manliness’’.

The current All Right? Manly As campaign is challenging men to think about what it means to be a man in O¯ tautahi in 2018. It encourages men to simply be themselves – that, for me, is manly as.

When I picture an ideal ‘‘manly man’’, I see someone who takes ownership of his actions.

That’s all manliness needs to be. Accept when you’re wrong, actively seek improvement and don’t make the same mistakes again.

It’s also someone who is empathetic. I think a lot of men are, but they don’t realise they are.

A ‘‘manly man’’ steps in to help when his daughter needs help with her homework or his son is going through a complicated time with his girlfriend. These are empathetic things that manly men are really good at.

Manly men aren’t always the ones lifting weights and thinking they’ve peaked. They’re the ones who are striving to improve themselves and give new things a go.

You don’t have to be thin, you don’t have to be tall, and you don’t have to have a six pack like those guys on the cover of Men’s Health magazine. If you are actively seeking to improve who you are and you’re achieving your goals on the way to doing that, then I think you’re manly.

When it comes to myself, I don’t play rugby. I can put together a few shelves and I can do the basic DIY but I can’t build a deck, and nor do I want to. I don’t need to be this stereotype of ‘‘manly’’, but when I lie in my daughter’s bed and read a story to her and she snuggles up to me, that to me is manly.

I think we need to stop talking about connection and relationships as being a feminine thing because men need relationships and connections to thrive.

When you’re showing love and respect and you’re being loved back, then you’re in a good place.

However, we’ll never get to that good place if we continue with the stoic narrative. Our adoptive British ‘‘stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on’’ attitude can be damaging to men.

The idea of a man showing his emotions and openly crying, weeping and sobbing, is not deemed acceptable by many in society.

I was once that guy, one who refused to cry or show emotion. I didn’t cry at funerals or weddings but a few years ago I was challenged on this.

I cry a lot now. I cry in class, during talks, during interviews and when my kids get awards. And I absolutely love it.

I’m not saying we need to be a city of criers, but we need to realise that stoicism doesn’t always equal strength. When I was stoic, I was hiding. If we hide and shut ourselves away it doesn’t make us strong, and shouldn’t be celebrated as if we are.

It’s time to challenge some of the traditional ‘‘Kiwi bloke’’ stereotypes and encourage our men to just be themselves – that, for me, is Manly As.

Ekant Veer is an associate professor at the University of Canterbury.