Dear Granny: A letter from Harry’s Kiwi OE
Dear Granny, Thank you so much for your letter about New Zealand. I am writing during my last days here, though I suspect Meghan and I might be celebrating our silver anniversary by the time you receive this. If you have a spare few hours, I’ll tell you about this organisation that the locals call Bloody New Zealand Post.
Megs and I are enjoying our tour as much as you did in 1953-54. That sounded like an amazing time and you’ll be pleased to know that things haven’t really changed that much.
Before New Zealand, we were delighted to visit the South Sea islands of Polynesia, whose biggest exports include taro, bananas and two-thirds of the All Blacks.
You were right about this country. Five minutes after we touched down, people started saying ‘‘What do you think of New Zealand?’’
Instead of repaving the roads before a royal visit, as they did for you, they now simply book one into a nice cafe. Maranui was most enjoyable, though we weren’t served craft beer and didn’t run into either of the Flight of the Conchords, so Megs didn’t consider it a true Wellington experience.
When we left, people were waiting on the stairs. They seemed very pleasant, but when we left they remained waiting. We noticed there is a lot of waiting in Wellington, especially at bus stops.
We attended a lovely new place in the middle of Wellington called Pukeahu. It pays tribute to those brave New Zealanders who sacrificed their lives trying to get more green spaces into Wellington. Megs is showing me up in the Ma¯ ori language department. She got ‘‘Pukeahu’’ right the first time, while I spent 30 minutes calling it Pukemanu.
However, I showed her. Later in Auckland, I said ‘‘hello’’ in five different Pacific languages. The crowd was ecstatic, apart from an old Tokelauan lady. Apparently, my pronunciation was so bad, she thought I said, ‘‘the sea cucumber only fornicates when the hibiscus flower blooms’’.
No Granny, Mr Holland is no longer prime minister, nor is young Mr Holyoake. The person in charge is a lovely man called Winston. He’s got a wicked sense of humour, in a Camilla sort of way. He loves horse racing and he adores native wildlife. His favourite bird is the Green Parrot.
His daughter-in-law is called Jacinda Mania and she is very kind. Her husband is called Soimon – you’d love his accent – and he is very friendly. But when I gave him our usual gift of a box of Windsor chocolates he refused to accept them, even if I split them into 10 separate wrappers.
Meghan’s luggage got lost in Dubai (please don’t tell Grandad as he might make more inappropriate comments), but a nice lady called Karen Walker came to the rescue with a lovely cheap (less than £5000) outfit. I think New Year Honours should be considered for this wonderful woman, or perhaps you could make her Duchess of Glasson.
We really enjoyed our trip to a Kiwi enclosure. New Zealand has wonderful nocturnal life, though little nightlife. Kiwis have dark coats and love sticking their beaks into things. Young Kiwis often saunter out late at night, drink fermented berry juice then loudly mate with other Kiwis they’ve never met. The kiwi bird is also very interesting.
Sorry to hear about your last corgi. If you buy a new puppy, I have organised two DOC workers to help it breed, as they do wonders with ka¯ kapo¯ . Tell the palace butler the DOC workers will be wearing tramping boots, short shorts, and Swanndris when they arrive at Heathrow. They shouldn’t be too difficult to spot.
No Granny, Mr Holland is no longer prime minister ... The person in charge is a lovely man called Winston. He’s got a wicked sense of humour, in a Camilla sort of way.
Megs loves New Zealand. She says Aotearoa is kapai, the tangata are tumeke, though she is missing her kainga and can’t wait to ko¯ rero with her new wha¯ nau Eugenie and Beatrice. When Megs met former Opposition leader Don Brash, he insisted she speak the ‘‘Queen’s English’’. Megs told him not to get so ho¯ ha¯ . However, she is now keen to get back to London as she wants to play herself in the next series of The Crown and thinks James Corden isn’t handsome enough to play me and Jude Law too old.
You will be comforted to know that, although they live on the other side of the world, New Zealanders are still obsessed with British royalty. You would think that a modern democracy would be champing at the bit to become a republic, as they are in Australia. However, there is no chance of that now that Megs and I have successfully completed our charm offensive – just like William and Kate, Daddy and Mummy, and you and Grandad before us. Leaders pay lip service to a New Zealand republic ‘‘one day’’ but, believe me, it won’t be in my lifetime.
See you at polo. Your loving grandson, Harry
PS Don’t forget to send the invoice for the tour. $1 million plus GST.