Breaking the silence on a couple taboo
Kiwi researchers want to break the silence on a dilemma many coupled-up people experience but may shy away from.
Having feelings for someone other than their partner.
University of Auckland psychology Professor Virginia Braun said very few studies have been carried out about the topic.
‘‘I think it’s fair to say that people’s experiences of relationships often don’t match . . . the ideas about what’s normal or what’s ideal,’’ she said.
‘‘Those discrepancies can be distressing for people in ways that can impact on their wellbeing and can impact on their relationships.’’
Braun would supervise research by master’s student Gina Broom, which looked at how people dealt with their desire for another, including whether they told their partner about it – and whether they acted on those feelings.
Broom said having feelings for someone else while in a committed relationship could be confusing in a culture that placed high value on monogamy and the ‘happily ever after’ narratives.
Steven Dromgool, director of Relate Counselling, said it was more normal than abnormal for people in committed relationships to be attracted to people other than their partner at some point.
‘‘I wouldn’t have a job and specialty in terms of working with affairs if people weren’t attracted to people outside of their relationship.’’
However, despite it happening frequently, people with partners often felt guilty or ashamed when they developed feelings for someone else.
‘‘Generally secrets tend to create more issues,’’ Dromgool said.
‘‘We can really coach them on how they would talk to their partner and if they would talk to their partner.’’
As part of the university study, Broom wanted to speak to people who had dealt with the issue in a variety of ways. A flurry of tartan flocked into mid Canterbury for an annual showcase of Celtic culture.
About 9000 visitors headed to the Hororata Highland Games on Saturday to see highland dancers fling, drum majors twirl their maces and strong men and women toss cabers.
More than 500 competitors tried their hand in events, from the tug of war and sack carry to smallbore rifle shooting.
Event manager Cindy Driscoll said the day ‘‘went off without a hitch’’, despite heavy rain on Thursday and Friday risking damage to the grounds.
‘‘The team rose to this challenge and were well prepared,’’ she said.
‘‘Being a rural event, we have people who know how to manage ground in the wet and can supply ideal resources.’’
This year marked eight consecutive highland games events in Hororata.
Chieftain Patrick Hellier, New Zealand’s highest achieving highland games heavy athlete, said he enjoyed seeing the full festival outside of the heavy arena, ‘‘where I normally spend most of my time’’. ‘‘I got to see the final of the Hororata pie-eating competition, which was a new experience – I don’t think I will be changing codes anytime soon.’’