Why a vigil for Grace feels right

Public displays of emotion are not really our thing, as Kiwis. The tell-tale signs of a New Zealander deeply moved would be difficult for some of the more hot-blooded nationalities to pick up; a slow shake of a lowered head, perhaps – or a rheuminess around the eyes that could be hayfever, could be tears.

Rarely do we collect en masse to share joy or sorrow, unless it’s a ticker-tape parade for homecoming sports heroes or the yearly solemn tradition of an ANZAC dawn ceremony.

Which is why it’s hard to explain the spontaneous tsunami of grief that has swamped us and prompted the network of vigils and marches taking place this week in memory of backpacker Grace Millane.

Grace spent a few short weeks in our country before she died.

She should have been safe, but we couldn’t save her.

The grief welled up sharply on Sunday night after a week of worry and spilled out over social media, mixed with anger and shame that this had happened in our country.

Out of a kind of gut reaction, and without too much over thinking (because there really was no time to lose), groups began to form on Twitter and Facebook with the goal of giving Kiwis somewhere to bring that grief.

For once, social media here had a higher purpose than griping at politicians. Most of these loose ‘‘committees’’ realised very quickly that Millane was the catalyst, but all Kiwi women lost to homicide in the past year should be the cause.

Although it is inevitable that some stories will be told at greater length than others, every lost life is worth mourning.

When it’s New Zealand, which has a massive and undeniable issue with domestic violence, this is an important thing to acknowledge.

So on Wednesday, thousands gathered in cities and towns, with candles and waiata, to weep together. Amazing Grace was sung, and it didn’t feel like a cliche´ .

We were told, again, how we must do better when it comes to violence against women. It seems we need to be told this daily.

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, a candlelight vigil. Some are saying, if we have one for Grace, why not one for every victim of homicide?

Why not, indeed. I invite you to go ahead and do that.

Perhaps if we were a bit better at expressing our emotions day to day, we wouldn’t need a public gathering.

But it’s better than trying to hide our tears and pretend we don’t have a problem.