In honour of their stillborn daughter
Like any new mum, Ami Summers longed to tell the world about her beautiful daughter, Arla; to gush about her cupid lips, her long elegant fingers, her cute button nose.
‘‘She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Breathtaking,’’ Summers said. ‘‘I was filled with joy and pride and amazement. It’s still the happiest [my partner] ever saw me.’’
Summers and her partner Dave McCarthy had only 10 precious hours with baby Arla, who had been stillborn at 38 weeks.
As a mother, she wanted to share her experience, but found people didn’t always know how to talk to her, or what to say.
‘‘The number one thing you can do to help someone in this scenario is to just talk about their child,’’ Summers said.
Although their family and friends were supportive, Summers spoke to many women who said they suffered in silence because of the enduring taboo around stillbirth.
Summers, an artist and leadership consultant, found there was a lack of resources to help women work through their memories. To fill these gaps, she created Heart Space, a workbook for parents who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or the loss of a child, to help them process their grief.
Nine months after losing Arla, Summers’ mental state declined after she experienced a miscarriage, followed by an ectopic pregnancy.
Some days she felt ‘‘angry and destructive’’, and on others she withdrew from the world.
‘‘I wanted to think more highly of the experience and feel more deeply, rather than just that flight or fight response that trauma triggers in you,’’ she said.
‘‘Letting yourself feel the enormity and the sadness and shame and anger and the guilt and all that stuff that comes up for you when you lose a child and being OK with it. I really wanted the book to be able to do that for women as well.’’
Summers described feeling ‘‘cracked open’’ after her experience: losing her innocence, but also becoming a more empathetic person.
In writing the book, she hoped to create a place where women can express these difficult emotions, but also explore the ‘‘other side’’ of grief, which she described as ‘‘really kind of enlightened and beautiful, and about the connection with your child.
‘‘It’s really about what you do with this awful experience you’ve been dealt,’’ she said. ‘‘Try to turn it into something that’s really life-giving, rather than sucking the life out of you. Because it can.’’
Of course, not all grieving experiences are the same. In writing the book, Summers ran focus groups with women who have also lost pregnancies and children, and their stories and recommendations helped shape the book. A grief therapist also vetted its material and provided expert advice.
Jackie Mead, chief executive of miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death charity Sands, praised Summer’s book for honouring Arla and encouraging women to speak about their babies, saying it was one of the most important things they could do.
‘‘The loss doesn’t go away. It will stay with them forever,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s a part of their journey and who they are. Being able to memorialise and grieve is critical to being able to continue a happy and healthy life.’’
Mead said bereaved parents often went from feeling life was bearable to like they couldn’t take one more breath. She said the best thing about Heart Space was that people could use it at a time and place that worked for them.
After Arla was born in March 2013, Summer and McCarthy left the hospital to return to their farm, where their friends and family waited. Waiting for them, too, was an empty car seat and nursery.
A little over two years later, the couple left the hospital once more to their waiting families. But this time they had their son Indy. ‘‘I put him in the car seat and I was like, ‘Oh my God’,’’ Summers said. ‘‘It was just moments like that that filled me with absolute joy because I knew the feeling of not having the little baby in the back. I was just on cloud nine.’’ – The Age
Heart Space is available on preorder and will be released in Australia next month.