What to do after kids leave
It’s that time of year when older kids are preparing to leave for university or study courses away from their home towns. But in these days of boomerang kids, who leave home for university or flatting, but loop back for stints of living at home, what do parents do with their bedrooms? Do they keep the posters on the wall and their spare clothes in the wardrobe or empty it out and make it look guest-room tidy?
Empty-nest syndrome strikes many parents who feel they are making themselves redundant from the most important and meaningful job they’ve had – that of raising kids.
Some deal with it well; others don’t.
Mother-of-two Vicki Holder, who has been the primary parent after a marriage split since the children were preschoolers, had mixed emotions. She found that a renovation helped smooth the process from teen room to guest room.
Even though her daughter Alex, 24, had left home years before, she wanted a say about the new wall colour in her old bedroom.
‘‘Alex had been at boarding school before that, so while it made it easier in some ways for her not to feel too attached to the room, she was quite emotional about the things in the room that she had helped choose when she was younger, like the curtains and the wall colour.’’
Vicki’s son Kit had left home to study outdoor education in Greymouth so in preparation for painting his room, Vicki took down his collection of wallmounted skateboards.
The kids seldom stay these days, and Vicki occasionally rents the rooms out through Airbnb. ‘‘The guests need to feel comfortable in the rooms. They would feel like they’re intruding if there was too much kids’ stuff around.
‘‘I was very ready for the renovation. I went through a minimalist phase a few years ago, way before [Netflix tidier] Marie Kondo came on to the scene. I got very excited about getting rid of all the crap. But when it came to all of their old soft toys, that was heartwrenching.’’
When Maryjane and Martin Bell’s two sons, now aged 24 and 21, left home for Otago University and to join the army in Waiouru, their parents were keen to keep their rooms intact so that the boys had a sanctuary to come home to.
‘‘If they’re at uni, they don’t really leave home because the university year and many flat tenancies are only from March to October. They come home in between. When our boys left, we tidied their rooms so that we could use them as guest rooms but left their belongings in the room,’’ Maryjane said.
‘‘Your kids leave home trying to be all big and grown-up but we were really conscious of letting them know they would always have a bed with us. It may not be the bed in their old room but they can always come home.’’
In fact, one of the boys’ bedrooms in now rented out to a friend of the couple who regularly takes on house-sitting jobs but stays at the Bells between stints.
It wasn’t until their older son Chris, who now flats and works in Wellington, physically shifted all of the furniture out of his bedroom that Martin and Maryjane felt he had left for good.
Second son Elliott has since left the army and has enrolled at Auckland University for study this year . . . so he’s now back home.
As clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo points out, an
empty nest is like any life transition in that how we react depends on how well we cope with change.
‘‘There’s no one-size-fits-all response: while some people grieve, others have the home renovation team on speed dial.
‘‘The impact can be influenced by how much of your identity or self-worth you’ve attached to being a parent or by whatever else is going on in your life. For example, kids moving out can throw the spotlight on a rocky relationship. That can be more difficult to navigate than children leaving,’’ says Nimmo.
‘‘There’s no one-sizefits-all response: while some people grieve, others have the home renovation team on speed dial.’’
Karen Nimmo Clinical psychologist