‘I was obviously not myself ’: Living through postpartum bipolar
Days after the traumatic birth of her first child, Hannah Hardy-Jones thought: ‘‘This is the best I’ve ever felt in my life.’’
The-then 29-year-old was on a high. Instead of recovering, she was barely sleeping, compulsively writing to-do lists and flitting between dozens of different activities.
Her family, especially her husband, Nick, were concerned.
In the days after the birth of her daughter, Alice, in 2013, HardyJones said her behaviour became increasingly unusual.
She had self-aggrandising thoughts – like appearing on speaking circuits – her speech was turbocharged, and she embarked on a spending spree for cardigans.
The human resources professional had studied psychology and had no history of mental illness.
Nearly two weeks after the birth of her first child, she was told she was experiencing mania.
‘‘I was obviously not myself. As Nick said, it was like I was possessed. He would lie next to me in bed, and not have any idea who that person was.’’
Hardy-Jones came under the care of maternal mental health services in Auckland and was tried on different medications. She was treated at home and helped by carers.
The young mother loved her daughter, but was incapable of caring for her properly at the time.
‘‘It’s an awful feeling knowing I wasn’t [fully] there,’’ she said.
Towards the end of her manic episode, which lasted weeks, HardyJones was officially diagnosed with postpartum bipolar disorder (bipolar disorder triggered by childbirth).
And then came the low. After waking up one morning, she knew something was wrong. Hardy-Jones said she had known people with depression, but its overwhelming nature still came as a shock.
‘‘I couldn’t find joy in anything,’’ she said.
The sky looked dull, food lacked taste, and she had no confidence interacting with her newborn daughter. To explain how she was feeling, Hardy-Jones turned to a simile.
‘‘It’s like being in a raft in the dark in the ocean and you have no idea where you are, how to get out, and who can help you.’’
The depression came in waves – it would relent and return. After it subsided, Hardy-Jones adjusted to living with bipolar, a condition she continues to control through the use of medication.
Her young family moved to Lincoln, near Christchurch, in 2015. It was a fresh start and, with support from maternal mental health services in the city, Hardy-Jones and her husband had another child.
She returned to work, and last year began blogging about her mental health journey.
Hardy-Jones said there was a lack of understanding about bipolar disorder and she wanted to share her story to help people newly diagnosed with the condition postchildbirth.
‘‘I got to a point where I was just well and everyone thought I was well and so I thought it was a really important time to share what happened,’’ she said.
Since last May, she has also been working on The Kite Project, a personal development app for mothers touted as a world-first. It launched on Monday.
Hardy-Jones said whereas other resources focused specifically on parenting, the app aimed to provide mothers with the tools and
resources to help them face everyday challenges.
It included mindfulness and stress management techniques, relationship help for mothers to reconnect with their partners, and practical advice for sleeping better, among other things.
Hardy-Jones said her career in HR made her realise how important personal and professional development was, and she had been struck by the lack of personal development resources for mothers.
‘‘I developed the app based on my own experience of motherhood, including postpartum bipolar disorder, as well as the experiences of so many other mums,’’ she said.