Sure signs you’re getting old
Hugh Grant recently expressed his irritation with the volume levels in cinemas. ‘‘Am I old,’’ he tweeted, ‘‘or is the cinema MUCH TOO LOUD?’’
You’re very much not alone in finding the cinema horribly noisy, Hugh – never mind Joker, what about Batman – but we do feel duty bound to point out that this is a Getting On problem.
Finding the volume nosebleedingly intolerable (and then maybe heading out to find the person in the projection booth to get them to turn it down, before remembering that this is not
1976 and there is no-one in the projection booth, or anywhere on the premises, aside from the popcorn dispenser) – that is what we call a Getting On Giveaway.
Those of us who have convinced ourselves that we are a new, hotter, fitter, more relevant sort of middle-aged are prone to mistake GOGs for modern annoyances when, in fact, they are signs that you are well over
50. Other things us GOs might be finding, about now:
■ Irritation with audience noise in cinemas, eg, rustling and chatting. That might well annoy you in your 30s, but now you will call out the offending party and summon the management, to the mortification of younger ones.
■ Don’t want to make plans for New Year’s Eve. Really don’t, because . . . ooof, a party after the marathon that is Christmas? New Year is now more ‘‘another year gone’’ and less: ‘‘Ooh, fizz! Let’s link arms, let’s dance!’’ Also, midnight. Love it, but, midnight as kick-off? Midnight as the Let’s Get This Party Started point? No.
■ Parties in general. Love them, just so long as they are isolated events with several days clear either side and absolutely nothing to do the day after.
■ Dancing. Ask around, even your keenest party dancers are finding it hard to feel the music. We were discussing this the other day and we came to the conclusion that you have to drink 25 per cent more these days to get into the Get Down mentality. Which is, you know, quite a lot of drinking.
■ Finding restaurants too dark. What is this actually about? Why don’t we like a darkish, romantic and cosy restaurant? Are they much darker? No. Do you not remember the 80s, when, if you put your bag under the table, that was it? Bag lost in the blackout. Forget it. Now we are panicked by the absence of light, especially in a restaurant. This is because: a) we are more interested in the food now (younger us: this feels like the bread basket, that’ll do); b) we need to be able to lip-read a bit over the music and the dark prohibits this.
■ Light sensitivity in general. We like it softish in the living areas – quite like the walls to be warm, glow-producing pink – but now must have a power-beam reading light, a very strong light above the bathroom mirror and a lot of light on the cooker.
■ Other people’s music. Hell. Bet Hugh doesn’t like being trapped in a room with Linkin Park. Who does? (Anyone under50, not bothered.)
■ Fluid plans. What? But a set time for lunch, yes?
■ Festivals and marches. These days, we may get standing-toolong leg (also known as Latitude leg). We may find ourselves saying: ‘‘I really need to sit down’’ (like Granny).
■ Casualness intolerance. For example, we are quite intolerant of people borrowing stuff and not putting it back. Getting (finally!) a bit Everything In Its Place. It’s only the beginning . . .
– The Telegraph, London
Now we are panicked by the absence of light, especially in a restaurant.