MeToo backlash is real – and really depressing
‘I’m just saying,’’ spluttered the increasingly purple man opposite, ‘‘that #metoo has gone too far. It’s making men afraid of women at work. It’s true, they’ve done studies!’’ Ahh, #metoo. It’s been hard to avoid the topic in conversation these last few weeks. This week Harvey Weinstein recommenced his careful shuffle into public consciousness, leaning on his neon-balled walker and two aides who bear an uncanny resemblance to pitbull mastiffs that have learned to walk.
Now it’s back on the casual conversation menu, and proffered up at parties like a platter that’s equal parts exciting, exasperating and downright depressing. (Especially to me, as the token feminist friend.)
Hence why I spent most of Friday night listening to this guy list all the damage the movement has done, while trying to remain polite by channelling my irritation into obsessively snapping pretzels in half. It was one of those weird conversations where half the men were uncomfortable, half the women were irritated, and everyone else just wanted to eat the onion dip before I started mashing that up too.
Because we are well and truly in the backlash phase of #metoo. I’ve heard many variations of how the movement has caused all these awful things to happen.
And yes, I’ve heard the anecdotes about men avoiding hiring/mentoring/meeting women at work (and written about why we need to encourage cross-gender mentoring). So this argument isn’t new. And often it honestly feels like some people bring it up to sideline the movement without having to actually engage in the issues it raises.
But that night, there was something in this guy’s hysterical insistence that I couldn’t shake, and so I snuck off to the bathroom to do some reading. And he was kinda right: research that came out in September last year found that 27 per cent of men are now avoiding one-on-one meetings with women at work, 21 per cent are now reluctant to hire women for jobs that require close interaction, and 19 per cent to hire an attractive women. Furthermore, 43 per cent of men are worried about false accusations, and that innocent behaviour could be seen as inappropriate.
What was really fascinating, though, is that the research showed almost universal consensus between men and women on what ‘‘inappropriate behaviour’’ looked like. When asked, men and women agree on what’s right and wrong. In fact, women are slightly more lenient on excusing inappropriate behaviour than men are.
So it’s not that men don’t know what’s inappropriate; rather they feel they’re in an environment where they’re likely to be accused of being inappropriate even when they’re not.
That was a bombshell to me. I’d heard the arguments that men don’t know what inappropriate is, hence why they avoid women at work to make sure. But to learn that, actually, both genders do know, and to hear that men are worried they’re going to be falsely accused was mind-boggling.
I relayed it to other female friends, who found it equally baffling. The idea that women would a) make up false accusations and b) those accusations would be taken seriously, is particularly bizarre for many of us who have gone through the exhausting complaints process only to have our genuine concerns completely ignored.
Despite the symbolic hope #metoo provides, in the real world it still feels like women practically need a signed confession in blood even to have their complaint considered by management.
I don’t get it; I don’t carry around the assumption that I might be seen as a predator because of my gender. But many men do.
Iwas getting nowhere near understanding this by asking my female friends, so I asked a guy. And the first one just looked at me, shrugged and said, ‘‘Well yeah, that makes sense. It’s like how when I help a kid that’s fallen over in a park I’m worried someone will think I’m a paedophile.’’ I was about to say that’s nuts – until I remembered my big brother getting screamed at in a supermarket for being a paedo when he helped a little girl reach some biscuits.
Of course I don’t get it; I don’t carry around the assumption that I might be seen as a predator because of my gender. But many men do.
And now they’re thinking twice about working with women in the same way they’d hesitate to help a kid, because they’re worried they might look dodgy. And not only that, but there’s an inherent assumption that some women are overly sensitive, ready to accuse and happy to take any opportunity, however fake, to convict people.
God, that’s truly depressing. Is this how we see each other? Men feel the balance of power in these situations lies wholly with women as the accusers. And women feel the power still lies with men as the perpetrators or arbiters.
And while we’re both stuck in these two trenches of paranoia and exhaustion, the real perpetrators are out there carrying on as ever.