Parents worry over daughter

Question

Our daughter is only 21 and she is in a relationship with a 35-year-old woman.

She did have a boyfriend but he treated her badly and within two months of breaking up she started going out with this woman from her work. They have been together now for four months. The woman is really vocal and opinionated.

My daughter is talking about moving out from our house and in with this woman who lives on the other side of the city with her two children. I think the woman is manipulative and we are really cut up.

We hope it is a stage. We can’t seem to talk to our daughter without arguing.

Treat your daughter with respect and loyalty. She may move out and into this woman’s house across the city for a while but make sure you don’t slam the door after her.

Answer

It would seem that this relationship is unbalanced on a number of levels. The older woman is a work colleague and although you don’t say if she is your daughter’s boss, the fact that she is 14 years older means she is likely to be in a more senior position.

Many companies have a policy that discourages relationships in the workplace for various reasons that may include: other workers perceiving a bias; a break-up which upsets the work systems; a perception of sexual harassment; harmful office gossip; and so on. It may be that this situation of your daughter’s is addressed by her work.

Another imbalance is that your daughter may be vulnerable after her recent break-up with her boyfriend.

While there is nothing wrong with leaping into a new relationship, it is another indication that this relationship may not be right or last.

Right now, your daughter needs family who love and support her unconditionally.

If you are fighting with her, you will be effectively driving her towards this woman.

You and your husband should agree to be very careful as to what you say about her friend.

Whatever happens long term with your daughter you won’t gain anything by bad-mouthing the woman from work or arguing with your daughter.

If this woman is vocal (that is a difficult word to label someone), opinionated and manipulative, then you two should be the complete opposite.

Treat your daughter with respect and loyalty. She may move out and into this woman’s house across the city for a while but make sure you don’t slam the door after her. The domestic chaos which inevitably ensues from living with two children may prove too much for your daughter. There is nothing like fighting children or piles of washing to dampen the ardour of anyone, let alone a 21-year-old.

Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book Awards for children and young adults. She has a new novel due out next month. Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.