How a TV soap might adapt

As the nation heads towards level 2, television productions are resuming. For soap operas that rely on a steady diet of intense tete-a-tetes, smooching and canoodling, however, the continuing social distancing rules are proving difficult. But one local production, Shortland Street, thinks it may have the answer.

‘‘Shortland Street is all about taking viewers on a journey’’, explained a spokeswoman. ‘‘And in this new journey, all the characters fall through a spacetime wormhole and emerge in England in 1813, as imagined by Jane Austen. Talk about repressed! It was all social distancing, all the time. It’s perfect!’’

‘‘What are you looking at me like that for?’’ the spokeswoman added. ‘‘Yes I know it’s ridiculous. What’s your point? Remember that episode when a volcano erupted in everyone’s backyard? Highest ratings ever. This is nothing!’’

After much wheedling and inveigling The Press has obtained the following examples of how Shortland Street storylines have been urgently rewritten to fit the Austenian socially distant format.

Previously: When matriarch Leanne has breathing difficulties her former younger-lover Damo performs energetic mouth-tomouth, rekindling the passion of their relationship, before phoning for a paramedic who arrives in minutes to do a full intubation and transport her in an ambulance to the crowded ER.

Now: When matriarch Leanne has breathing difficulties her faithful manservant Damo, who has long admired her from across the room but never articulated his ardent desire due to their obvious difference in class, sets out across the dark and stormy moors to fetch a physician. Alas Damo is engulfed is a muddy bog and Leanne dies alone, her reciprocal love for him forever unconsummated.

Previously: Self-made local businesswoman Michelle Beaumont is scoping out Doctor Chris Warner’s luxurious apartment, thinking him to be absent on business, when she discovers him reclining in his jacuzzi. One thing quickly leads to another.

Now: Daughter of a gentleman Miss Michelle Beaumont is scoping out Mr Christopher Warner’s expansive estate, thinking him to be absent, when she discovers him emerging from a post-horse-ride dip in his fountain clad in leather breeches and a tightly-clinging wet white shirt. Several months of embarrassment and misunderstanding follow, eventually ending in a wedding and their first kiss sometime after a vaccine has been made widely available.

Previously: Troubled youngster Sophia gets in with the wrong crowd and ends up joyriding in a stolen car. The police give her diversion, resulting in a family group conference in which she talks through her issues, ending with redemption, tears and hugs.

Now: Troubled teen Sophia gets in with the wrong crowd and ends up joyriding in a stolen horse and carriage.

The magistrates give her a night by herself on the stone floor of a bare cell, followed by transportation on a prison ship to Melbourne where she joins the cast of Neighbours – The Penal Colony Years.

In this new journey, all the characters fall through a space-time wormhole and emerge in England in 1813.