Equal partners in lockstep

Welcome to Proctoscope, the current affairs programme that probes places others won’t touch. Tonight: Winston Peters – wily old fox or neutered lapdog thrown the odd bone? Mr Peters, welcome.

Charmed, I’m sure.

You’re not aggravated by my deliberately provocative introduction?

Why should I be? I’m relaxed and chipper. Statesmanlike. And in lockstep agreement with all my colleagues in this very model of a coalition government. Of equal partners.

But your party’s polling? It’s under 5 per cent. If that continues you’ll be gone. You’ll be binned faster than Todd Muller’s MAGA hat.

Now listen, Sunshine, why don’t you – I mean, I mean come come my good man, the only poll that matters is on election day and -

Wait. Was that Bad Winston I saw just then?

I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Bad Winston. Combative. Fiery. Picks a fight. Cuts himself loose. Goes rogue. Rocks the boat. Abandons ship. Burns his bridges. Comes out swinging. And other metaphors. Bad Winston. You know, sooner or later you’re going to have to bring him.

I think you’re mistaken. But let me say this, don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry. Now, about the achievements of this coalition government of equal partners.

Was that Bad Winston this week, disagreeing with the prime minister about when was the right time to move to level 1?

Ho ho! I think you’ll find grownup adults are entitled to different views.

Well it’s Shane Jones’ view that New Zealand First won’t tolerate being absorbed by Labour.

Ho ho! There’s no chance of that. No party is going to absorb New Zealand First. Let alone a – Fnnarrgh! Fnnarrgh! Oooff! – let alone a bunch of namby-pamby lefties who – Arggggh!

Mr Peters, what’s happening? Fnnarrgh! No! Get back! It’s not time yet! Back! Back! That’s better. I’m all right now ...

Mr Peters, that was Bad Winston wasn’t it? Right then.

Nonsense. I’m fine. Now look. All this talk of Bad Winston is just poppycock of the first order. So let’s have a grown-up discussion about how I’m saving the racing industry.

Haven’t you and Andrew Little just been going hammer and tongs about that new arrangement for arbitrating commercial rents?

You say ‘‘going hammer and tongs’’, I say ‘‘me graciously pointing out where he was wrong’’.

And he says ‘‘embarrassing’’. He says New Zealand First’s proposal was embarrassing.

Embarrassing? Embarrassing? Fnnarrgh! Oooff! Why that Little, that Little – Oooff! Argghh! Arrant nonsense! Cardigan-wearers! Fnnarrgh! No idea how to. Run a business. Oooff!

Mr Peters! Your thin veneer of civility – it’s bursting!

No one tell Bad Winston what to do! Bad Winston no like!

Mr Peters, put me down!

Bad Winston say my way or highway, Sunshine!

Mr Peters I wouldn’t touch that coalition agreement if I were you. Mr Peters no! Come back!

Bad Winston free! Free!

And that was Winston Peters, AKA the Incredible Sulk. Next week on Proctoscope, Paula Bennett has had some time on her hands, so she’ll tell us about her favourite signature dish. She says it’s just desserts, and apparently it’s best served cold.